


Karkat Tantrum Bingo

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bullying, Cards Against Humanity, Consent Issues, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, FTM Dave, Gen, Temper Tantrums, Trans Character, Unhappy Ending, eventual gore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-01-07 22:20:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1125043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>FTG: make bingo boards with all the squares being shit that karkat could get pissed about<br/>FTG: pull in terezi and rose and kanaya<br/>FTG: first person to get five squares in a row column or diagonal of verified karkat tantrum topics wins<br/>FTG: you know he will go apeshit bananas about almost anything<br/>FTG: seriously just like pull up a bunch of random words<br/>CTG: or cards against humanity cards</p><p>Shortly after the Penis Ouija incident, Dave is contacted by a future Dave, who suggests playing Karkat Tantrum Bingo as an entertaining way to keep the kids and trolls on the meteor from growing apart. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave: Answer Future Dave

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a kinkmeme prompt requesting humor + gore: http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=44989732#cmt44989732
> 
> Gore comes in later chapters, but I am warning everyone from the start that this will get dark and ugly. As if the notion of playing a game that involves upsetting someone else *isn't* already somewhat dark and ugly, mind you. Please be aware that there will not be a happy ending.
> 
> Thank you to stunrunner for editing.

\-- FUTURE turntechGodhead  [FTG]  began pestering CURRENT turntechGodhead  [CTG]  \--

FTG: yo  
CTG: hey  
CTG: this is new  
CTG: i thought we reserved our interactions for cryptic hand signals and shaking our head and alt dead timeline daves  
FTG: yeah usually  
FTG: but sometimes we gotta spread our wings and bust outta our comfy time travel nest  
FTG: fly majestically over this new landscape of heart to heart dave to dave conversation  
CTG: motherfucking beautiful  
FTG: hell yeah  
FTG: weve got new places to go new lands to conquer  
CTG: and what exciting new places am i gonna conquer with my wise future selfs assistance  
FTG: three words  
FTG: karkat tantrum bingo  
CTG: is that what i think it is  
FTG: make bingo boards with all the squares being shit that karkat could get pissed about  
FTG: pull in terezi and rose and kanaya  
FTG: first person to get five squares in a row column or diagonal of verified karkat tantrum topics wins  
CTG: holy shit  
FTG: you know he will go apeshit bananas about almost anything  
FTG: seriously just like pull up a bunch of random words  
CTG: or cards against humanity cards  
CTG: i have the pdf still  
FTG: yeah sure  
FTG: whatever works just roll with me here  
CTG: im a goddamn ferris wheel and ive already rolled right into the fucking sea  
FTG: already going through the cah deck  
FTG: sweet  
CTG: fuck yeah  
FTG: karkat flipped out over a chair a few minutes ago  
CTG: id say youre shitting me but sadly that sounds way too fucking possible  
FTG: its how i got the idea for karkat tantrum bingo too perfect to not share  
CTG: he has a tragic case of flipping the fuck out  
FTG: its terminal  
FTG: he has six weeks left to live at best  
FTG: five if you dont take that fucking chair out of his sight right now  
CTG: wait  
FTG: what  
CTG: you said the idea came to you  
CTG: so you didn't get it from future dave like i am now  
CTG: isnt that going to fuck shit up because its not making a stable causal time loop  
FTG: yeah its going to cause a divergence  
FTG: this is actually gonna be my last fucking with time travel  
FTG: i think im done  
FTG: honestly i think our whole timeline might be done  
FTG: were almost in the new session and rose is a drunk and glued at the hip to kanaya  
FTG: terezi is down with the clown  
FTG: and karkats actually kinda ok but like i said  
FTG: he still flips out over fucking everything  
FTG: a chair  
FTG: a fucking chair  
CTG: so what is this like davesprite  
CTG: except instead of a super cool game construct other me is sacrificing himself for a bingo game  
CTG: well not sacrifice so much as shrugging and giving in to the inevitable  
FTG: basically that  
CTG: so youre sure about this  
CTG: that me getting the gang together to get karkats extremely easy goat is gonna help us avoid some serious lack of team unity later  
FTG: thats the idea  
CTG: that does sound like it has extreme potential for hilarious hijinks  
FTG: damn straight  
FTG: so yeah  
FTG: youve got nothing to worry about dude  
CTG: k  
CTG: sorry about your timeline  
CTG: we applaud your sacrifice  
CTG: like so many daves before you youre paying the ultimate price so that main timeline dave can get progressively more awesome  
FTG: np  
CTG: cool  
FTG: have fun  
CTG: will do

\-- FUTURE turntechGodhead signed off --


	2. Dave: Open Memo

turntechGodhead [TG] invited  gallowsCalibrator [GC] ,  grimAuxiliatrix [GA] , and  tentacleTherapist [TT] to the private memo "dave is a fucking genius"  
TG: so i got a brilliant new idea  
TT: Really? I had no idea that might be the topic of this memo given the incredibly modest title.  
TG: whoa im just getting started here  
TG: its gonna help us kill time on this sad rock where were trapped for another 2 years  
TT: You have me riveted. What precisely is this idea?  
GC: Y34H DONT JUST T34S3 US!  
GA: Why Is It Just The Four Of Us?  
TT: I am going to precariously venture out onto a limb here and say that the idea in question involves Karkat in some way.  
TT: Hence his exclusion from this memo, as well as the exclusion of his moirail.  
TT: Additionally, considering that Dave referenced entertainment over an extended period of time I will further inch out onto this branch and suggest that it's an ongoing activity rather than an isolated event.  
TG: thanks for your eloquent deconstruction of my opening words  
TG: now are you done draining the fun out of this before its even started  
TT: Yes, by all means proceed.  
TG: so were gonna play this sweet new game called  
TG: karkat tantrum bingo  
TT: In which our goal is to check off squares on our Bingo cards by provoking tantrums from Karkat?  
TG: specifically a tantrum related to the bingo square  
TG: so like if the square says nicholas cage his tantrum has to be about nicholas cage  
GC: 1 4M NOT F4M1L14R W1TH TH3 HUM4N G4M3 OF B1NGO BUT THIS 1NTR1GU3S M3  
GA: Perhaps I Am Misinterpreting But This Sounds Like It Has The Potential To Be Somewhat Unpleasant For Karkat  
TG: karkat flips out about everything anyway  
TG: all were doing is keeping score  
GC: 4ND PRODD1NG H1M SL1GHTLY  
TG: exactly  
GA: This Still Doesnt Sound Particularly Nice  
TT: No, it doesn't. This game sounds like it has the potential for psychological manipulation and a slow deconstruction of Karkat's sanity.  
TG: oh come on  
TT: As such I feel compelled to participate.  
TG: dont be like that its just a game  
TG: oh wait  
TG: sweet  
TG: how about you terezi  
GC: COUNT M3 1N  
GC: 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 TOO M34N TO OUR D34R FR13NDL34D3R  
GC: BUT B31NG M3SS3D W1TH 4 L1TTL3 B1T BU1LDS CH4R4CT3R  
GC: 4S LONG 4S W3 DONT G3T C3RR1ED 4W4Y  
TG: but of course  
TG: kanaya you in  
GA: I Have Some Misgivings About This  
TT: Why don't we clarify precisely how this works, and then you can make an informed decision.  
GA: Okay  
TG: its pretty self explanatory  
TG: we all make bingo cards with shit we think karkat might flip out over  
TG: first person who gets five in a row or column or diagonal wins  
GC: HOW DO W3 P1CK WH4T GO3S ON OUR SQUAR3S?  
TG: one sec  
TG shared the file "CAH.pdf"  
TT: Cards Against Humanity?  
TT: Let's see what the first few cards here are.  
TT: "Two midgets shitting into a bucket." Very classy.  
GC: 3WW  
TG: classy as fucking aristocrats  
TT: If that’s your definition of classy, then when you say "Aristocrats," I must presume that you are referring to the infamous lewd joke.  
TT: Which, as you may recall, relies heavily upon incest as well as scatalogical and sexual content in its raunchy humor.  
TG: ok that wasnt what i was referring to  
TT: You can see why as your genetic sister I am metaphorically raising an eyebrow at your suggestion.  
GA: Only Metaphorically  
GA: That Seems Like It Would Merit A Literal Raising Of An Eyebrow As Well  
GC: 1 ST1LL DONT G3T WH4T 3X4CTLY 1NC3ST 1S  
TG: its banging your parents or siblings  
TT: Or anyone else closely related.  
GC: WHY 1S TH4T SO W31RD?  
TG: because its creepy  
TG: also biology im sure rose can give us a long overly technical explanation of why were naturally grossed out by it  
GC: D4VE, YOU USU4LLY L1KE TO PUSH TH3 BOUND4R13S OF HUMOR W1TH YOUR R4D1C4L 1RONY  
GC: WHY 1S TH1S SUCH 4 S3NS1T1V3 SUBJ3CT FOR YOU?  
TT: Indeed, I would be curious for a more thorough explanation myself.  
TT: Pray tell why you're so eager to move on from this inquiry.  
GA: I Thought We Were Going To Review Game Procedures  
TG: thank you kanaya  
GA: I Admit I Am Unsure How We Will Make Effective Bingo Cards With Things Such As Science And Hot Pockets  
TG: hot pockets is pure gold  
TG: im putting that on mine  
TT: You have an interesting strategy.  
TG: how can you not see karkat throwing a tantrum over hot pockets  
TG: imagine karkat finding out what hot pockets are  
TG: karkat biting into a hot pocket that is too hot and squirting himself with lava like marinara sauce  
TG: karkat leaving out a hot pocket only to find moments later that someone has stolen it  
TG: karkat running out of hot pockets after developing an addiction to this strangely compelling human snack food  
TG: karkat slipping on a hot pocket banana peel style  
GC: TH3 POSS1B1L1T13S 4R3 N34RLY 3NDL3SS!  
TT: So we shall be interpreting these loosely then?  
TG: yeah i cant see how we wouldnt  
TT: True.  
GA: What Is Man Meat  
TT: I presume that's a card you just stumbled across?  
GC: DO3S HUM4N FL3SH T4ST3 D1FF3R3NT B4S3D ON TH3 S3X OF TH3 CORPS3?  
GC: TH4T'S STR4NG3  
TT: It's not a literal reference to cannibalism.  
TT: It's a juvenile term for the sometimes turgid genitals that most male humans possess.  
TG: its not juvenile weiner is juvenile but man meat is manly and beautiful  
GC: MOST? DO SOM3 M4L3 HUM4NS LOS3 TH3M 1N B4TTL3 OR DURING TR14LS OF TH31R W1GGL1NG ST4G3?  
GA: Is The Turgid Genital An Exclusive Feature Of Male Humans  
TT: Generally speaking, it's found on males but there are exceptions. However, it's rarely a matter of injury or accident; exceptions occur when one's assigned at birth sex doesn't match their gender.  
TG: what you two havent already done your indepth interspecies anatomy demonstrations  
GC: (DO YOU TH1NK W3 H4V3 SOM3 C4TCH1NG UP TO DO?)  
GA: So Certain Genital Configurations Match Genders In Humans  
TG: jesus dick seriously off topic  
TT: Yes. It's one of the primary ways we are sexually dimorphic.  
GC: HOW STR4NG3  
TT: Do all trolls have both internal and external genitalia?  
GC: NO SOM3 OF US H4V3 ON3 SOM3 H4V3 TH3 OTH3R 4ND SOM3 H4V3 BOTH  
GA: Sex Is Usually Not Known Until Puberty Begins When The Development Or Lack Of Development Of Breast Tissue Occurs  
TG: wow look at all this trivia thats distracting us from the point of this memo  
TT: Fascinating.  
GC: 1 W4NT SOUP TH4T 1S TOO HOT ON MY B1NGO C4RD  
TT: If we're each taking a potentially problematic food item, I will have to select "Hot cheese" for mine.  
GC: 1S BON3R ANOTH3R R3F3R3NC3 TO TH3 TURG1D G3N1T4L?  
TT: It's also called a penis, but yes.  
GC: 1S 1T ROUGHLY 4N4LOGOUS TO 4 BULG3?  
TT: I'm not familiar enough with troll anatomy to say with certainty, but I would venture it's likely.  
TT: Why?  
GC: 1F K4RK4TS BULG3 ST4RTS WR1TH1NG DU3 TO R4G3 WOULD TH4T QU4L1FY 4S G3TT1NG SO 4NGRY YOU POP 4 BON3R?  
TG: thanks for that image i will never be able to burn out of my brain  
GC: YOUR3 W3LCOM3  
TT: What, is the thought of Karkat's mysterious, possibly tentacle-like genitals wiggling around in his tight, high-waisted pants while he gets tangled up in your cape somehow less than titillating to you?  
TG: how far do i have to projectile vomit to make my disgust known  
TT: And yet you were holding his hand and forcing him to draw phalluses with you just this past week.  
TG: you never had a brother did you  
TT: Think about that statement again.  
TG: you know what i mean  
TG: when you grow up with a brother thats just like  
TG: how you fuck with them  
TG: wrestle piss them off steal their shit and get beat up for it  
TG: get buried in smuppet dick sometimes  
TT: Your brother did expose you extensively to sexual content, albeit in an allegedly ironic context.  
TT: Do you think that contributed to your fixation with incestuous suggestion?  
TG: rose goddammit we have bingo cards to make  
GC: OBJ3CT1ON SUST41N3D  
GC: W3 C4N R3TURN TO YOUR POT3NT14L 1NT3R3ST 1N K4RK4T 4ND YOUR R3L4T1V3S 4T 4 L4T3R T1M3  
GC: >:]  
TG: always got my back  
GA: I Dont Recognize Many Of The Individuals Named On These Cards  
TT: If you're unfamiliar, no need to select them. I don't think most would be good choices anyway.  
TG: speak for yourself  
TG: a greased up matthew mccoughnahey is going on to mine  
TT: I feel strangely compelled to include "Tentacle porn" on my card.  
GC: OH 1 W4NT TH4T ON3 TOO  
GA: Are We Permitted To Have Some Of The Same Topics  
TG: yeah im pretty sure its like that in real old people bingo  
TT: And further provides us with an incentive to collaborate at times, which makes this more interesting tactically.  
GA: In That Case I Will Also Select Tentacle Porn  
TG: theres no way im being left out of this  
TT: Tentacle porn for everyone.  
GA: I Never Cease To Marvel At The Odd Commonalities Between Our Cultures  
TT: Indeed, tentacle porn seems to be an inter-universe constant. Perhaps inspired by a subconscious great and terrible awe of the horror terrors, transforming their most visibly distinct characteristic into an eroticized interest.  
TT: By the way, don't forget that the middle space is a freebie.  
TG: yup i already drew a beautiful dick in my middle space in honor of karkats last tantrum  
TT: Freud would be proud.  
GA: Do We Have To Draw A Turgid Genital In That Spot  
TG: yup  
TG: otherwise it doesnt count  
GC: D4V3 W1LL YOU DR4W 4 HUM4N D1CK ON M1N3  
TG: sure well meet up after this conversation and ill draw the shittiest two second dick youve ever licked in your whole life  
TT: And you say this how soon after insisting that your penis ouija with Karkat was a purely platonic activity?  
TG: theres a world of difference between forcing an ornery alien to draw junk all over his shipping grid and scribbling a quick wang for a friend upon request  
GA: Rose Will You Draw A Human Penis On Mine For Me  
GA: I Am Not Familiar Enough With Them To Replicate  
TT: I plan to draw a tentacle for my middle spot instead. Would that suffice?  
GA: That Would Be Preferable Actually  
TG: lame  
TG: dicks are way better than tentacles  
TT: The undulating, omnidirectional motions of a long, slender tentacle seem much more enticing than a short rod of "man meat", as this highly sophisticated game so aptly puts it.  
GC: BOTH OF THOS3 SOUND 3XC1T1NG 1N TH31R OWN W4Y  
GA: I Am With Rose Yet I Wouldnt Say No To Any Genital My Partner Had  
GC: TH4T WOULD B3 SO STUP1D  
GC: 1F YOUR3 3NJOY1NG 4 P3RSONS FR4M3 4ND TH31R S3NS3 OF HUMOR 4ND TH31R D3L1C1OUS SC3NT WHY WOULD TH31R S3X ORG4NS M4TT3R  
GC: 1TS NOT L1KE TH3R3 AR3NT LOTS OF FUN TH1NGS TO DO W1TH 3V3RY TYP3 OF G3N1T4LS >:]  
TT: If only human society agreed.  
TG: is anyone else taking self loathing  
TG: for a square i mean  
TT: ...  
TG: dont dot dot dot me  
GA: I Thought The Sequence Of Three Finish Crumbs Was Called An Ellipsis By Humans  
TT: It is. Dave, however frequently chooses to be more vernacular with his speech patterns than myself.  
TG: rose go get your broom  
TG: you just spilled finish crumbs all over my floor  
TG: i dont like your implications theyre making a mess in here  
TT: My apologies. I will sweep them away so that your comfortable pillow fort of denial remains as clean and carefree as before.  
TG: denial of what even  
TG: thats not even some creepy shipping bullshit potential  
GC: 1 LOV3 TH1S G4M3  
GC: W3 SHOULD PL4Y SOM3 T1M3  
GA: Some Of These Cards are Entertaining If Absurd  
GC: 3XT3M3LY T1GHT P4NTS 1S 4 C4RD W1TH SUCH POT3NT14L  
GC: 4LMOST 4S MUCH SO 4S 1TS R3B3LL1OUS CLUTCH M4T3 NOT W34R1NG P4NTS  
GC: 4ND OF COURS3 W3 MUST NOT FORG3T TH31R COOL OLD3R FR13ND  
GC: TH4T 4SS  
TT: Ah, another fitting card. "Penis envy."  
TG: perfect for you ms freud  
GA: I Rather Enjoy  
GA: The Thin Veneer Of Situational Causality That Underlies Porn  
TG: dont we all  
TG: that shit is the real hero of skin flicks  
TG: forget ass and titties  
GC: OK 1 H4V3 ON3 MOR3 SPOT TO F1LL  
TG: may i suggest whining like a little bitch  
GC: EXCUS3 M3?  
TG: thats a card  
TG: and a more perfect card for karkat tantrum bingo i cannot imagine  
GA: That Seems Too Meta Since That Would Require Karkat Throwing A Tantrum Over Whining Like A Little Bitch  
GA: And From Your Assessment Of His Character As Opposed To Our Companions It Seems Unlikely Anyone Else Would Be The One Whining  
GA: Unless We Encounter Eridan In A Dream Bubble  
TT: Hence necessitating Karkat to tantrum about his own whining, which seems tediously circular.  
TT: By all means, select it, since doing so will better the odds for the rest of us.  
GC: NO N3V3RM1ND  
GC: 1 H4V3 FOUND TH3 P3RF3CT F1N4L C4RD  
TG: whats that  
GC: 1NC3ST


	3. "Licking Things To Claim Them As Your Own"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the game begin.

"I'm going to get the first tantrum," Terezi announces as she hops off the transportalizer to join you in the computer lab.

You remove the headphones hanging your neck and place them on the table in front of you, on top of one of Rose’s books. You were about to get started on composing some phat beats, but those can wait. Terezi saunters over and pulls up a chair next to you.

"I know your game is strong, but let's be honest: none of you stand a chance against me," you reply.

It's a bluff that you pull off smoothly despite your doubts. While your mere existence seems to offend Karkat deeply, Terezi has known him a lot longer. Rose, while less familiar with him, is a master at fucking with people's heads, and her bingo square choices reflect that. Who the fuck else would put "Doing the right thing" or "Silence" on their bingo card?

"Dave, I know that you think you have an endless supply of smooth moves, but do you also possess the unrelenting drive to win by any means necessary?" Terezi asks with an evil grin. She brings her fingertips together in an arch, a gorgeous, grey-skinned picture of villainy in the making.

"You really doubt that?" you reply. "I'm prepared to do whatever the fuck it takes. Hell, even if I have four in a row and the fifth one is 'cop a feel', I will grab Karkat's ass so fast he won't know what hit him."

"Your mind immediately jumps to his ass? Interesting."

"Hey, we were talking about extreme measures. By any means necessary. Mutually assured destruction, even."

"Grabbing Karkat's ass counts as mutually assured destruction? What, you wouldn't be able to survive the undeniable levels of 'gay' that would be?"

"It's less that it's gay, and more that it's a shouty, smelly, insecure alien. I think my coolkid face would melt right off my skull like the Nazi finally getting the Lost Ark at being exposed to that much loser at once."

"Dave, I have done some research on your human movies." Terezi's tone drops to mock solemn. "The Lost Ark is an artifact of great power. Yet you compare Karkat's ass to the ark? The prosecutor detects a whiff of pitch lust in the air." She inhales visibly and leans in.

"You got me, Terezi." You mimic her motion - the leaning, not the sniffing - and watch her tongue snake out to flit along her lips. "This entire game is an elaborate ploy to get my hands on Karkat's legendary ass."

"He does have a very nice ass." You can't entirely tell if she's playing along or serious about that fact. Terezi is almost as good at this shit as you are, and at moments like this, it's a little unsettling. A pang of jealousy strikes you, but you ignore it as your mouth gets closer and closer to hers. Her hands have fallen from their steeple to rest in her lap.

As she nears you, you notice how sharp each of her teeth are. You two have kissed a few times before and thus far you’ve avoiding being mauled, but it’s still a little intimidating. Not that you let that show. Her eyes are as hidden as yours, opaque red glass hiding her dead pupils.

You hear an unmistakable sci-fi noise and look up to see that Karkat has just arrived. While it immediately occurs to you that you should probably pull away, you remember how obviously jealous he is of you and Terezi. Not that you and Terezi are that much of anything, yet, officially. And not that Karkat has any right to be jealous, since from what she’s told you, he ran any potential for a relationship with her into the ground by sending mixed signals.

“Hi, Karkat!” Terezi calls, raising a hand to wave to him and nearly smacking you in the process. It’s a miracle you manage to dodge it in time, but you get your face out of the way so her sharp nails just barely graze your skin.

"Whatever gross flushed shenanigans you're getting up to, I don't want to see them," he says irritably, stalking over to the other side of the table. "I'm only here to get back my book."

A notification blinks in the bottom of your shades. You open it. It’s Terezi.

GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY D4V3?  
TG: ready for what

"Your book?" Terezi moves fast, reaching across the table (knocking one of Rose's notebooks to the floor in the process) to snatch the trashy romance novel in question just half a second before Karkat would have reached it. "Are you sure it's yours?"

"Yes, it's mine!" Karkat barks, rolling his eyes. He leans over the table, gripping it with his pointed, yellow fingernails. "Who the fuck else's would it be? None of the rest of you appreciate the intricate, fine-tuned clockwork that is romance."

GC: M3 TO ST4RT K1CK1NG YOUR 4SS 4T TH1S G4M3  
TG: im pretty sure you dont have a square for stealing karkats shit or trashy romance novels  
TG: is trashy romance novels even a card  
TG: thatd be a good one

"If romance is that predictable and you're such a grand master of love clocks, why can't you manage to actually get a relationship?" you reply. It's a bit of a low blow, but if Terezi is planning something, you need to derail him.

"Dave, don't be rude," Terezi chides you loudly over Karkat's beginning attempt at a tirade, which starts with, "Listen here, shitwad!". She makes a shooshing gesture at him and Karkat grits his teeth, glaring daggers at you.

"Now," she continues, "we were determining who the owner of this book is. Mister Vantas has alleged that this book-" she brings it right up to her nose and inhales deeply - "this _succulent_ novel is his property. On the other hand, Citizen Pyrope claims that this book is now hers."

GC: W4TCH AND W33P

"That's absurd," Karkat retorts.

TG: coolkids dont cry

"Is it? asks Terezi.

GC: NOT 3V3N WH3N TH3Y 4R3 B31NG THOROUGHLY SCHOOL3D 1N TH3 F1N3 4RT OF K4RK4T T3MP3R T4NTRUMS?

As she opens her mouth, you realize what she's going to do. Part of you seethes, knowing she's earning that first square right now, but a greater portion of you feels a rush of admiration for your hot, clever quasi-girlfriend and the ease with which she pokes Karkat's buttons. Seeing how long and agile her tongue is doesn't hurt either.

Terezi licks the front cover slowly and sloppily, a thread of saliva dangling from her tongue for a few moments as she pulls the book back.

"THAT WAS MY FUCKING _BOOK_!" Karkat yells, eyes widening. It's funny he's so surprised, because in retrospect you should have seen it coming the moment he mentioned his book. While he's not aware of the game, he's been friends with her for years, and this was such a Terezi move to pull.

"Was?" she says quickly.

"Oh for fuck's sake are you arguing semantics with me after _DESTROYING_ my-"

"You think it's been destroyed? It sounds like you're preparing to forfeit your property rights."

TG: ok i might be shedding a single tear  
TG: but if i am it will never escape the black box of my shades  
TG: schrodingers tear  
TG: youll never know

"Yeah, I'm forfeiting my fucking property rights, because the book I wanted WASN'T ENVELOPED IN A DISGUSTING, SLIMY COAT OF SALIVA!!!" Karkat shouts, digging his nails into the table angrily. "What the fuck do you want with that book anyway? You're vile, smearing your fucking bodily fluids over things so no sane creature will touch them-"

"I just wanted to read it," Terezi interrupts, making a show of flipping through it with one hand dramatically. You all know she's lying but Karkat just rolls with it.

"Did it not once occur to you in your jumbled fucking synethesiac mind that you could just _ask_? Of course not, why would communicate with words when instead you could just use your spit?!"

TG: if saliva is karkat bane can i just lick you and get him to give up claim to you  
TG: so he stops assaulting me with shipping grids  
GC: 1M NOT PROP3RTY TO B3 CL41M3D, D4V3  
GC: NOT TO M3NT1ON 1 R3S3NT YOUR 1MPL1C4T1ON TH4T 1T WOULD ONLY B3 SO K4RK4T L34V3S YOU 4LON3  
TG: k thats not the only reason

"Not even fucking literature is safe from your creepy, curious tongue!"

"Literature? That's a stretch, even for you," you comment.

"No one fucking asked your opinion, Strider," Karkat snarls. "If you have further artistic fucking objections, take it up with the book's new _owner_." He turns heel, leaving marks where he grabbed the table, and stalks back to the transportalizer.

As soon as he disappears, Terezi looks at you again gleefully. Instead of bragging like you expect, she opens with -

"You owe me a human dick."

Blood rushes to your face and your crotch. Yeah, yeah, you should have realized how she meant that, but you're a teenage boy. So it's not until she brandishes her bingo sheet in front of your face that your mind reluctantly climbs out of the gutter.

You grab the paper and pick up a pen to scribble a nice, fat dick in her middle square, hoping she can't smell your sudden and mistaken arousal. Luckily for you, she does nothing more than smirk at you before she takes the paper from you and licks it.

"Perfect," she declares. "And now, time to mark my first victory."

"Grats," you say calmly. She won the first skirmish, but you've got this whole fucking war plotted out. And no more of your battle plans involve Karkat interrupting imminent make-outs. Not that it was planned this time. Just shitty luck.

"Better luck next time, coolkid," she replies as she crosses off "Licking things to claim them as your own" on her Bingo card with a blue crayon.


	4. Dave: Don't Let Terezi Win Again

GC: 1 GOT TH3 F1RST ON3  
GA: Already  
GC: Y3S  
GA: It Has Been Less Than An Hour Since We Began  
GC: R4DN3SS H4S B33N SC13NT1F1C4LLY PROV3N TO B3 TH3 ONLY FORM OF 3N3RGY TH4T C4N MOV3 F4ST3R TH4N TH3 SP33D OF L1GHT  
GC: 4ND 1 4M M4D3 OF PUR3 R4DN3SS  
TT: I suppose now is as good a time as any to discuss scoring procedures.  
TT: Are we going by the honor system, or are we requiring some form of witness or documentation?  
TG: i was with her  
TG: its legit  
GA: How Much Of A Fit Counts As An Eligible Tantrum  
TG: its just like porn  
TG: you cant describe it  
TG: but you know it when you see it  
TT: Once he actually raises his voice beyond his normal tone?  
TG: you mean the tone of a drunk grandpa at the other end of the thanksgiving table from you  
TT: Yes, I did say his normal one. As opposed to the tone of a vitriolic, half-deaf grandpa who’s about to pass out from alcohol poisoning but vehemently needs to correct your views on gay marriage from the other end of the Thanksgiving table before he does so.  
TG: except with even more creative profanity  
TT: Indeed.  
TT: Well, I believe congratulations are in order.  
TT: As well as an assurance that while I will allow you all to score a bit early on so as not to feel utterly inadequate, I have plans to annihilate you.  
GC: DO YOU NOW?  
TG: dont patronize us rose  
TT: I'm not patronizing you. I'm simply stating that none of you stand a chance against me.  
TG: hahahaha you seriously dont think i cant win a game where the objective is to enrage karkat  
TT: But for now, I must return to the project at hand.  
GA: Me Too  
TG: is the project at hand a different game  
TG: such as tonsil hockey  
TT: Goodbye, Dave.  
TG: so yes  
TT: It's so much more entertaining to let you draw your own conclusions.  
GC: SCOR3 LOTS OF PO1NTS 1N YOUR G4M3!  
GA: Bye

"Dave, are they going to be the only ones playing tonsil hockey this evening?" Terezi asks, grinning as the two of you exit the memo.

"Hell no," you reply. "I'll have you know I'm fucking boss at tonsil hockey."

"Is that so? Bold words from someone who's played so few games."

"Well, you've either gotta take my word for it, or challenge me to a rematch."

"I formally challenge you to a rematch. Location: My block. Time: Immediately." Terezi reaches for your hand and squeezes it hard.

"I'm not going to go easy on you just because you're a girl," you reply as you intertwine your fingers with hers.

"Duh!" Terezi looks slightly scandalized that you'd even suggest it. "Let's go."

You spend the next two hours playing a fierce game of tonsil hockey, but it's hard to say who won. When Terezi starts to yawn, you call it a night and excuse yourself, fighting the urge to stay and watch her strip naked before she climbs into her slime sleeping pit.

The next morning you return with your laptop to the computer lab. Rose and Kanaya are still conspicuously absent. Not that Rose is much help where breakfast is concerned. Still no juice, especially not your dearly missed favorite, apple juice.

Your mouth waters at the thought but you settle for a burnt English muffin and something akin to Canadian bacon. Halfway through your meal you sigh and give in to the allure of coffee. It's always shitty, but not having coffee is shittier.

As you eat, you review your bingo card and the endless possibilities it contains. Karkat often frequents the computer lab, so you need to be prepared for his next visit. You need something to spring on him, something quick, easy, and slick... And you know just the thing.

Terezi joins you just as you're on your last bite of muffin and meat.

"Dave, you smell delicious," she announces, swooping in. You think it's for a kiss - but nope, that's her tongue licking stray crumbs from the corner of your mouth.

"Bleh, bread, but there was definitely some meat there too. You already finished it, didn't you?" she says before letting out an exaggerated sigh.

"I didn't know when you'd be up." You rub the spot she licked with your thumb. You can't object to her putting her tongue on you, especially not after yesterday's conversation, but you wish she'd do it for a reason other than trying to analyze the contents of your breakfast.

Almost as if she can read your mind, Terezi plants a kiss on your cheek and moves a bit more until her breath is hot on your ear. She gives it an exploratory lick and you shiver. As she uses her tongue to trace it from lobe up to the arch, then swooping in to the shell, you reach out and place a hand on her waist. You’d love to slide it up to feel her small but tantalizing tits, but you’re cool. No need to rush this. Let the lady set the pace, and wait until she’s begging you to touch her. Yeah, that’s much more your style than clumsily trying to push your luck.

Of course, your smooth strategy relies on a little bit of privacy, but you two aren’t the only ones who want breakfast. You hear the transportalizer and without even looking over, the voice lets you know it’s none other than your favorite shouty troll.

"Are you two fucking deaf? There are countless other places on this miserable chunk of rock where you could engage in your gross flushed foreplay."

"Sorry, Karkat," you reply. You're not letting Terezi control the situation again. Shut him down first, lure him into a false sense of security, then let him catch a glimpse of your laptop background. Smooth as the oily, photoshopped body that now serves as said background.

To your surprise, Terezi chimes in to back you up, removing her mouth from your ear and scooting her chair several inches away. "I'll keep my tongue in my mouth where it belongs.”

Karkat looks just as suspicious as you feel, his eyes narrowing.

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” he replies before turning away from you two to head to the alchemizer.

TG: do you have a timer in those shades

“Hey Karkat, do you wanna see something awesome?” you call out to him.

GC: 1 TH1NK SO WHY?  
TG: its time for you to begin the countdown

“I have absolutely zero interest in your abysmal comics. In fact, I have a negative amount of interest. I am violently allergic to your shitty sense of humor, and have a strong interest in finding any means possible to stay the fuck away from it for as long as is possible.”

“Karkat, you have barely scratched the surface of how beautifully shitty Dave’s sense of humor is,” Terezi replies with undisguised amusement.

“And I’d like to fucking keep it that way!”

TG: sixty seconds to the beginning of your annihilation  
TG: first bomb in nuclear fucking war

“Come on, it’s not one of my comics,” you tell him. Karkat glances over his shoulder but makes no move yet. “Grab your shitty coffee and get over here.”

TG: this one will destroy your spirits  
TG: theres no recovering

“If it’s one of your comics or a human dick, I swear I will pour this entire mug’s contents on your limp blond hair,” he grumbles as he grabs the cup and stalks over.

“I thought I told you to stop hate-flirting with me,” you reply casually as you click the touchpad of your laptop.

“And told you a thousand fucking times it’s platonic detestation!”

TG: and as soon as you think the devastations at its worst youll be proved wrong  
TG: because four more of these babies are on their way

“Your mouth says no but your eyes say yes,” you say, earning you an exaggerated eye-rolling from him.

You scoot your chair over further so that Karkat can stand between you and Terezi. You minimize the windows you have open, putting the beautiful photoshopped background of one oily, shirtless Matthew McConaughey into view.

GC: SUCH BOLD CL41MS! YET 1 NOT1C3 SN4G 1N YOUR PL4N  
TG: whats that

The silence doesn’t bode well, and in the moment it hangs there, you wonder if you should have found a more shocking image. Then, suddenly, Karkat yelps and jumps back by a foot, giving you half a second of a triumphant rush - only to be halted once he starts yelling.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR HAND DOING THERE, TEREZI?”

“Shit!” she replies, recoiling. “I thought you were Dave.” Damn, she’s good. Was that even actually on purpose on her part?

TG: are you fucking kidding me  
GC: >;]

Yeah, that was totally on purpose, you realize as you casually turn in your chair to watch him. Damn, she’s good.

“What the fuck sort of discerning nose do you have if you can’t tell that asswipe apart from me at close range?” Karkat continues furiously as he back up further. “And even if it had been Dave, you think it would be totally appropriate to start fucking groping his thigh while I was standing right next to you two?”

His tirade only pauses there because in his haste, he trips over the rug and spills half the coffee all down the front of his shirt. You don’t let your amusement show as his face is already flushed face darkens with a helping of embarrassment to supplement the rage.

“I said I’d keep my tongue where it belonged,” she replies calmly. “I made no such promises about my hand. Besides, it was just a gentle caress; I wasn’t groping.”

TG: you fight dirty  
GC: 1 DON’T F1GHT D1RTY, D4V3  
GC: 1 M3R3LY F1GHT 3FF3CT1V3LY

“Are you fucking serious, Terezi? Are you TRYING to infuriate me? He may be able to claim -” Karkat points at you angrily “- that he doesn’t know what the fuck caliginous flirting is, but you certainly do.”

“The honorable legislacerator would like to know where this line of vague accusations is headed.”

There’s a bump as Karkat backs right into the computer desks that line the edges of the room, and nearly loses his balance. He grits his teeth and slams the mug down on the desk.

“Fucking shithive maggots, just, fuck!”

With that, he just speedwalks - or more accurately, speedstomps - his way to the transportalizer, offering both of you a very pissed off look. Actually, he almost looks hurt, but it’s hard for you to tell. Whatever, he’ll get over it. 

“That was kind of a dick move, but effective,” you admit to Terezi as she pulls out her bingo card.

“Dave, in Alternian society, these sort of shenanigans would be the one of the kindest forms of rivalry and contest,” she says. “Besides, I just need three more, and then the game’s all done! We can go back to letting Karkat find his own things to get furious about.”

“You’re not getting the next square. Your streak ends tomorrow.”

“All these claims, nothing to back them up!” Terezi sets down her crayon and darts in to kiss your cheek. “You’re starting to let me down, coolkid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave: Accidentally let Terezi win again


	5. Dave: Seriously, Stop Losing to Terezi

"Decided you need to hang around so you don’t miss my next victory?" Terezi, smirking, asks Rose and Kanaya as they enter the computer lab later that morning.

"My objective is to prevent further victories, not witness them," Rose replies calmly as she heads to the alchemizer. Kanaya meanwhile begins to tidy up the table. "I must say, I'm surprised Dave didn't interfere with either. Two for you in under twenty-four hours, and he's scored precisely nil?"

"Hey, it's only polite to let you ladies score a few times before I dominate this game," you say. "It'd be short-lived if I turned on maximum skill from moment one."

"Then why were you talking this morning about my imminent destruction?" Terezi asks with an evil grin.

The corners of Rose's lips curl at Terezi's question, though she makes no further comment as she turns away from the replicator, one steaming mug of tea in each hand. You look down, staring at your computer screen, but message Terezi with your shades. It’s subtler than visibly typing.

TG: whoa there was no need to share that info with the class  
TG: losing in front of you (which is totally not gonna happen again) is one thing  
TG: but rose will never drop it  
GC: YOU SHOULD UP YOUR G4M3 TH3N SO SH3 H4S NOTH1NG TO T34S3 YOU 4BOUT

"Perhaps it's time for everyone to put their boondollars where their protein chutes are," Kanaya suggests, elegantly settling down into a chair. "I hear many claims of extreme competence yet Terezi is the only one who has successfully crossed off any bingo squares."

"Where would the fun be in a competition without bragging and mocking accusations of others’ incompetence?" replies Rose. "That said, I think you're right; we should all pledge to play at our full capacity from this moment on. No more excuses."

"I'll stop pulling punches if y'all are sure you want to get clocked into next week," you reply.

"Yes, Dave, by all means, cease going easy on us. Terezi has already proved her competence, and it's time that I fully invest myself in this immature and unkind endeavor as well. By the way - Terezi, would you like any tea?" Rose asks before taking a sip of hers.

"No, tea tastes really brown," Terezi replies, wrinkling her nose and pushing back from the table. "Besides, I was just leaving."

"You just got here," you say, slightly surprised.

"Dave, that was over an hour ago.”

“Yeah but you didn’t even eat anything.”

She shrugs. “I'm not really in the mood for mediocre alchemized breakfast.”

"Gonna go eat some nutritious chalk instead?" you ask, only half-kidding.

She laughs as she steps on the pad, disappearing a moment later with a metallic zip.

Not half a minute after Terezi departs, someone messages you. To your displeasure, it’s not her.

CG: ARE YOU STILL IN THE COMPUTER LAB?  
TG: yeah why  
CG: IS TEREZI STILL WITH YOU?  
TG: no why  
CG: OK THANK YOU. THAT’S ALL THE INFORMATION I NEEDED.  
TG: why going once going twice going three times  
CG: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  
TG: whoa someone woke up in the wrong end of his goo lagoon this morning  
TG: i answered both of your questions without any horseshit  
TG: youre starting to make me regret that  
TG: i have a whole stable of horses ready to supply said shit  
CG: OH HERE WE FUCKING GO.  
TG: do i need to get mucking so i can dump it all on you  
TG: its looking like a hell yes  
TG: i shouldve just started with that  
CG: FINE, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ALL TWO WORDS OF INCREDIBLY INSIGHTFUL INFORMATION YOU GAVE ME IN YOUR PAINSTAKINGLY-RESEARCHED ANSWERS. I KNOW IT MUST HAVE BEEN A TERRIBLY GREAT BURDEN FOR YOU TO REIGN IN YOUR DIARRHEA-PRONE HERD OF HOOFBEASTS FOR ALL OF SEVENTEEN SECONDS.  
CG: IT'S SUCH A MIRACLE THAT I SHOULD BE FALLING TO MY KNEES WITH MARVEL AT THE SIGHT OF IT.  
TG: yeah never giving you a straight answer again  
TG: so what do you want with your ex gf  
CG: SHE IS *NOT* MY EX, YOU ASS-SNIFFING CRETIN!!!  
TG: well she sure as shit isnt your gf  
CG: I AM WELL AWARE OF THAT, THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH!  
TG: you sure  
TG: because you seemed to be harboring some serious delusions about that the other week when you were trying to draw that shipping grid  
CG: LOOK HERE, YOU ASININE PIECE OF ROTTING FUNGUS!!!  
TG: fungus doesnt have eyes  
CG: I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS FOUL TORRENT OF ANIMAL FECAL MATTER FROM YOU.  
TG: where would you get your fun then  
\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] has ceased trolling turntechGodhead  [TG] \--

You doodle for a while, trying to come up with some sick new lyrics or comic ideas, but mostly just ending up with a few pages of obscene sketches. Meanwhile, Rose and Kanaya chatter in the background about some extremely boring cross-cultural topic, something about troll fashion and the position of zippers.

Long after Kanaya and Rose's tea has stopped steaming, barely touched as they converse intensely (how the hell is there half an hour's worth of discussion to be had about pants? neither of them even _wears_ pants), someone enters. You look up, expecting Terezi to have returned, but it's none other than your favorite victim, strolling into your vicinity for the third time in twenty-four hours. Is he really that stupid?

As he gives you a wide berth and stalks towards the alchemizer you realize, no, he just gets hungry a lot. Well, thrice in twenty-four hours. And last two times he didn't get much of an opportunity to eat. Whatever. This is just evidence that your strategy of hanging around here is a wise one, since he can't really avoid the computer lab if he wants to eat. Unless there's another alchemizer somewhere that you don't know about - but if that was the case he'd already be using it. A troll's gotta eat, and chances are like most creatures, he's more irritable when he's hungry. All you have to do is lounge around and provoke him. It's perfect, or would be if you didn't have three others with the same goal as you who also like spending time here recreationally as well as making themselves food.

You pull up trollian and message Terezi, keeping one eye on Karkat. He's muttering at the alchemizer as he fiddles with it.

TG: karkat just showed up haha sucker  
TG: kanaya and rose are still here  
TG: guess theyre gonna witness my mad karkat maddening skills  
TG: youre gonna hear about my exploits and bemoan that you werent here to smell this steaming pot of karkats freshly boiled rage a la strider

_Slam._

"Fucking piece of shit!" Karkat yells, hitting the machine a second time for good measure. "Why the fuck is crispy snoutbeast abdomen so fucking impossible for you to conjure up?"

TG: hes almost gonna be too easy right now  
TG: currently hes getting into a fight with the alchemizer over its incompetence with alien bacon  
TG: i was able to get myself some nice canadian bacon for breakfast  
TG: so either hes picky or he has no idea how to use it properly

"Do you need assistance?" Kanaya asks after a particular loud string of curses from the other troll.

"No, I am not letting a fucking futuristic piece of junk get the better of me!"

TG: can you get hatesex feelings for a machine  
TG: like some humans are plushophiles or fall in love with buildings  
TG: is there an equivalent for appliances but like freaky blackrom instead of normal love  
TG: wait no i think karkat is just omnisexual when it comes to hatesex feelings  
TG: he feels that way towards literally everything and everyone  
TG: id feel bad for him if it wasnt so hilarious  
TG: and so fucking loud oh my god  
TG: k guess youre busy

You close the window. The girl's got her own life; you don't expect her to always respond immediately. Besides, you need to focus on the more pressing issue - Kanaya waving Karkat over to join her and Rose.

"Karkat, come here and sit down. Rose, would you mind getting some breakfast for him? I think he needs some calming down."

"I don't need calming down," Karkat snaps, placing both hands on the machine and not looking back at Kanaya. "Even if I did, your pale solicitation, innocent as it may seem to be, is completely uncalled for. I have a fucking-" Karkat swings an angry punch at the alchemizer "-FUCK SHITTING BULGE PROTRUSION HAMMOCK PEAKS!!!"

Rose and Kanaya exchange a look as Karkat shakes his hand. Bruised knuckles probably, unless he actually broke something. Dumbass.

"I am ONE THOUSAND PERCENT FUCKING DONE with this thing. I haven't had a meal since this time FUCKING YESTERDAY-"

“Karkat, I have something that will help you calm down,” Kanaya says. You catch the slightest twitch of Rose’s eyebrows, but she says nothing.

“Unless you can fucking go back in time and punch me about thirty seconds ago there’s nothing you can do that will make me feel in the least better!”

“I theoretically could, but since I didn’t already, guess I’m not going to,” you comment.

“I wasn’t addressing you, Strider, so kindly shove your words right back down your fucking throat.”

“Karkat.” Kanaya waves to him again and he stomps over. “Come sit down. Rose, would you please alchemize him some ice? You’re better with that fussy thing than I am.”

He grabs a chair from near one of the dusty computers on the perimeter of the room and drags it over to Kanaya. She glances between him and her computer screen, typing something quickly.

“I am sorry about your hand,” she says to him. “Would you like to talk about-"

“Don’t fucking make pale come-ons towards me!" he interrupts. “I’m just fucking fine!”

“My apologies. If you’d prefer calming yourself down, by all means, please do so.”

Karkat makes a show of inhaling and exhaling loudly, obnoxious enough that you’re tempted to reach for your headphones. Why does every noise that comes out of that troll’s mouth sound so grating on your ears? Even fucking _breathing._

“What the shit is that?” Karkat says suddenly, staring at Kanaya’s screen.

“It is a tiny horse.” Kanaya's eerie, white-glowing face is the embodiment of composure.

Rose, ice in hand, pauses near the end of the table, watching the proceeding with an impenetrable expression.

“What the fuck? That can’t be a hoofbeast. Look at it; it's way too small and - why the fuck are you bookmarking it?!"

“That is undoubtedly a human hoofbeast, and I happen to think it is just the right size.”

“No, it’s fucking _tiny_ ; hoofbeasts are supposed to be big, _majestic_ creatures if you ever listened to Equius. But seriously why the fuck - WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING THAT THING YOUR BACKGROUND?!”

“Don’t you find it soothing?”

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD I FIND IT SOOTHING? IT’S A SHITTY, STUNTED HOOFBEAST!”

“It’s cute.” Kanaya's eyes widen, as if perplexed by his reaction, but the way the corners of her lips keep curling tells you more than enough.

“Why would I give a shit if it’s cute? Do I look like a two-sweep year old _girl_ to you?!” Karkat snapped.

"My apologies; I simply thought you might also find it soothing."

"A PICTURE OF A STUNTED, FUZZY EARTH BEAST IS NOT SOOTHING! Do you know what would be soothing? Being able to get a fucking MEAL without being interrupted by you fucking batty chicks who swoop in and piss me off before I even have a plate of food in my hand. Fuck you, fuck all of you, and FUCK YOUR MINISCULE HOOFBEAST FREAK."

Karkat pushes back from the table, his chair tipping back dangerously as he does so so. While he manages to get to his feet without falling, the chair is not so lucky. It hits the floor with a loud clatter, and he curses as he pushes past Rose to leave. She simply holds the towel and bowl of ice while the three of you watch him disappear.

“Part of me wants to applaud you on your tactics, yet I’m slightly skeptical as to whether this qualifies since Karkat’s initial tantrum was about another topic,” Rose says, breaking the silence.

“Half the time Karkat’s barely started coming down from one tantrum when he gets into another,” you say with a shrug. “I’m more curious why the fuck Kanaya picked 'A Tiny Horse.' I didn’t even realize that was in Cards Against Humanity.”

“I assure you I picked it off the list during our initial set-up,” Kanaya replies. “You can view my bingo card and the Cards Against Humanity file.”

You get up and go around the table to take a look. Kanaya pulls up the file and yup, that is a card you just never paid much attention to. She then holds up her bingo card next to her computer screen and points at the square in the second column, fourth row. Neatly written in said box in jade ink is “A Tiny Horse.” And yup, when Kanaya minimizes the pdf, her background is a human with a tiny horse. Damn, that thing’s barely hip-height. Kinda adorable too, but you’re not gonna comment on that.

“Are you sure that isn’t a pony?” Rose asks, setting down the ice and towel to place a hand on Kanaya’s shoulder.

“What, not gonna let your girlfriend win based on a technicality? Ponies are just baby horses,” you say. “We should let her have it.”

“No, they aren’t,” replies Rose. “Young horses are called foals.”

“Are you shitting me? Whatever, I'm not a fucking equine expert. My point stands.”

“I did my research,” Kanaya interjects, pulling open two new tabs. “Ponies have proportionally shorter legs and heavier bone structure.” She flips between the tabs, gesturing at the details of the ponies and horses she just pulled up. When she switches back to her background, it’s clear even to you that it’s definitely a horse. Damn, she’s done her research.

“I guess that settles it then,” Rose says. “Congratulations and well done.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, grats,” you reply. Things are not looking up for you. Well, at least you didn’t lose to Terezi this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have questions, want more frequent updates, or just want some ramblings from the author, my tumblr is gendersquare.tumblr.com


	6. Dave: Change your tactics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, just so y'all know - I updated the tags to add "trans character" and "FTM Dave" because I usually write Dave as trans male and decided to do so in this as well. It won't come up much (I have plenty of other fics in progress to explore trans issues and dysphoria), but I wanted to clarify so that passing references to Dave wearing a sports bra, for example, make sense. :)

You wait until a few minutes after things settle down before you ollie-outie. Kanaya still has a sly smile on her lips when you leave, but you don't let it get to you. You’re Dave motherfucking Strider; you don’t let stuff get to you. Hell, you don’t let stuff get within a ten-foot radius of you; your salt and voodoo circles of irony and badassery are near-impenetrable to those demons. There's a reason you’re all playing Karkat Tantrum Bingo, not Dave Tantrum Bingo. Dave doesn't throw tantrums, not even when the mild-mannered vampire chick has more success at this dumbass game than he does. Nah, just more success _for the moment._ That’ll change.

You mostly believe yourself. It’s impossible to fathom losing, even if your odds are looking a bit worse than when you started. You just gotta change your tactics.

Terezi never gets back to you, so you spend the rest of your day alone in your room. A creative guy like you with all this technology at his fingertips should never get bored, yet here you are, tapping out sick beats on your desk, keyboard shoved aside, wondering what everyone else is up to. Probably something equally futile as they kill another day on this thousand-day journey. Fuck, it sounds endless when you put it like that. Maybe you should visit the Mayor. Hell, you could even try Karkat. Solely for tactical purposes, of course. You’ve gotta fine-tune your strategy here, not to mention keep him away from the other meddling kids. And aliens. Mostly aliens, actually.

You're simultaneously shocked and completely unsurprised that Rose has yet to score. With her sinister mind, she should be fiendishly good at this. On the other hand, despite her claim that everyone should be putting in 100% now, she's probably still biding her time. She’d love to wait for everyone to underestimate her and start to get complacent, then swoop in and snatch victory right out from under all your noses. But that won’t happen; you’re on to her like horns on a troll.

The next morning, you go to get breakfast and find the computer lab empty. As you reach the alchemizer, you notice a single purple post-it stuck on it, the note in fluid cursive.

_Perhaps if you hit the machine harder this time it will produce the desired results._

You grab the note and crumple it in your hand, shoving it in the pocket of your god-tier pants. So Rose has finally sat down at the game table, smoothed out her skirts, and slid her first pawn forward. Too bad for her you immediately knocked it off the board.

You eat breakfast quickly and alone before heading to Can Town. You hope Terezi might be there, but when you arrive, you find only your favorite pseudo-elected official.

"Sup, Mayor?"

The Mayor's response is to flip the fuck out. Whenever you and Terezi have been gone for a couple of days, he seems to start to worry that you’ll never come back, and is more delighted than a kid meeting a real live Pokemon when you stroll through that doorway. The Mayor waves his arms wildly and dances in place. You’re not sure if that’s a carapace thing or a him thing, but either way it’s goddamn adorable.

"Why couldn't Karkat be as un-obnoxious as you when he flips the fuck out?" you ask him rhetorically. "Not to mention, you win the blue ribbon for indoor voices. Karkat got kicked out of that competition without so much as a consolation prize.”

The Mayor shrugs helplessly, then beckons. You look around. Can Town is in similar shape to how you left it, no new roads or signs; Terezi hasn’t been going nuts with the chalk lately, it seems. Maybe she’s finally getting tired of drawing and tasting the rainbow, and decided to aid the Mayor in purely practical architecture work. Or maybe she wasn’t here yesterday. You had assumed she’d gone here, but she must’ve headed to her room instead.

With some insistent tugging and gesticulating from the Mayor, you get down to work on re-assembling the town library at the carapace’s direction.

You and the Mayor have fun for a while, but after about an hour, you give in and shoot Terezi a message. It's just not the same without her clever quips - or the hope of occasional hand squeezes or post-construction kisses. The Mayor’s the chillest dude you know, but you can only stand so much miming.

TG: shirking your civic duty today huh  
TG: i thought the mayor had made your penalty clear  
TG: sixty hours of community service in can town  
GC: >:?  
TG: scratch that im pretty sure it was hard labor  
TG: to be undertaken by constantly rearranging the entire town  
GC: R3M1ND M3 OF MY 4LL3G3D CR1M3  
TG: you know the crime  
TG: that poor unwilling citizen  
GC: TH4T AG41N?  
GC: D4V3 1T W4S 4 C4N  
TG: yeah and you stuck your tongue deep into its orifice without so much as asking for its permission  
GC: H3H3H3  
TG: its never going to be the same  
GC: NO 1TS NOT B3C4US3 1 FOUND TH3 V3RY L4ST SW33T, H34V3NLY DROP OF T4B OUT OF 1T W1TH MY V3RY SK1LL3D TONGU3  
GC: YOUR3 CL34RLY JUST J34LOUS OF TH3 C4N  
TG: whoa you just leapfrogged over the whole rest of the class here  
TG: one jump at a time here  
GC: WH4T, YOU C4NT K33P UP?  
GC: SP34KING OF WH1CH, YOU SHOULD COM3 BY MY BLOCK TON1GHT  
TG: sorry i cant i have to pick up your slack at can town  
TG: poor mayor is flipping out hes been so neglected  
GC: 1TS ONLY B33N FOUR D4YS S1NC3 1 L4ST V1S1T3D C4N TOWN  
GC: W3 C4N GO 4FT3R BR34KF4ST TOMORROW MORN1NG  
TG: you think im going to give in that easily  
GC: Y3S  
GC: 3SP3C14LLY 1F 1 PROM1S3 YOU TONS1L HOCK3Y >:]  
TG: dammit you got me  
TG: never gonna turn down a hot ladys offer of a rematch of the finest sport known to mankind  
TG: and alienkind  
GC: 3XC3LL3NT 1 W1LL B3 PR3P4R3D  
GC: MESS4GE M3 WH3N YOUR3 HE4D1NG OV3R SO TH4T I M4K3 SUR3 1 4M DR3SS3D 4PPROPR14T3LY  
TG: id much rather you were dressed inappropriately  
GC: D4V3 I DO B3L13V3 YOU M1SUND3RST4ND M3  
GC: 1 S41D 4PPROPR14T3LY NOT D3C3NTLY  
GC: 4PPROPR14T3 FOR TH3 G4M3S WH1CH L13 4H34D OF US

Can Town is great and all, but there’s no way you’re spending another second here when you’ve got Terezi waiting for you, potentially pantless. Hopefully pantless.

You dust off your hands and give the Mayor a high-five along with a promise to return tomorrow. As much as you want to make a beeline straight to Terezi’s, you reluctantly admit you should probably clean up a bit first. Go back, take a shower, brush your hair (then carefully make sure it looks like you didn't actually brush it), maybe rub one out real quick so you aren’t a totally horny mess the moment you knock on her door. Images of Terezi wearing nothing but a fire engine red bra and panties, beckoning you over with one finger, slip into your mind. You feel your groin grow warm. Yeah, you’re probably gonna need to get dirty in the shower before you get clean.

Your walk only takes a few minutes, and the whole time your mind’s stuck on Terezi in varying states of undress. You've never seen her without her pants and t-shirt, but you can imagine her sharp hipbones, her breasts still perky and tight after she unhooks her bra and lets it slide off her shoulders, the bulge of her tentadick squirming in the front of her panties...

As soon as you’re in your room, you pull off all your clothes in a hurry. God tier pjs, sports bra, and boxers fall to a heap on the floor. Your shower is a lot of furious masturbation, with cleaning as an afterthought, but luckily the hot water here is endless.

After your shower, you throw on new underwear and don your knight outfit again before pulling out your laptop. Your shades are blinking with a little notification as you pull them back on. It’s Rose, and she’s trying to send you a file. “For authentication purposes.wmv.” The fuck? What’s she need authentication for? You’ve only got one possibility that comes to mind, and it’s not one you like.

You could just ignore Rose for now, but your curiosity gets the better of you. Thanks to your frantic, showerhead-aided climax just minutes ago, your metaphorical dick is no longer in its full, upright position, ready for immediate take-off. Though you still want to see her, heading to Terezi’s no longer seems so urgent you’ve gotta drop everything else to fly over.

You flip your shades off and hop into your chair, quickly typing in your computer password and pulling on your headphones.

TT: I have something that may be of interest to you.  
TT sent the file "For authentication purposes.wmv"  
TT: I seem to have missed you.  
TG: no im here now  
TT: Welcome back.  
TT: If you are not yet, I recommend sitting down before playing the file, as you may find its contents distressing.  
TG: this better not be what i think it is

You click open the file. The audio begins with the ending snippet of a conversation between Rose and Kanaya, interrupted by the harsh sound of the transportalizer. Shit, you should have gone back to the computer lab. You knew Rose was scheming, but you just walked away.

TG: oh hell no  
TT: No need to give me a running commentary. I can guess your reactions well enough, and I’ll be here when you’re done. It’s not particularly long.

_Karkat: Can't I ever get a fucking meal in peace?_

_Rose: I wasn’t aware that the presence of two others having a quiet conversation constituted war._

_Karkat: You know what I mean, fuckface._

_Rose: What, solitude? There's only one alchemizer and there are six of us, so I believe you’re out of luck on that front, unless you’d like to adjust your mealtimes accordingly. I’d like to point out, however, that the atmospheric serenity of the room depends less on the number of individuals present than each individual’s ability to conduct themselves calmly and civilly._

_Karkat: I am perfectly capable of acting calm and civil around others, and I’m disgusted by your suggestion that I’m not! The rest of you are the ones who are being as rude as a mob of subjuggalators celebrating after the Slaughterlympics. Oh and look! One of you chucklefucks has kindly provided me with an Exhibit A-is-for-Asshat right fucking here - "Perhaps if you hit the machine harder this time, it will produce the desired results.” Wow, I never would have thought that! One of you shitmasters -_

_Kanaya: I'm sure that poor attempt at humor -_

_Karkat: Are your cacophony funnels filled with wax? I told you last time to cool it with the pale come-ons! I have a right to be pissed off at this shit, and I don’t want you to trying to shoosh me out of it. Not to mention I_ have _a moirail, remember?_

_Silence fell for a few moments, punctuated only by the odd tones of the alchemizer._

_Karkat (muttering): Finally._

_There are footsteps and the sound of Karkat pulling out a chair and placing down a plate._

_Karkat: Oh, how goddamn clever - another little scrap of sickly pink paper! And what does this one say? "By all means, continue leaving your sordid novels scattered about the common area." First of all, despite your childish tendency to judge books by their covers, beneath these exterior of scantily clad troll lovers are hundreds of pages of riveting, deep, romantic struggles that are four times as bloodpusher-wrenching as any of your human romance novel trash._

_There was some sort of rustling, and Karkat continued on irritably._

_Karkat: Hey, hold your hoofbeasts! Or tiny mutant hoofbeasts, as your matesprit seems to prefer. Seriously, what do you think you’re doing?_

_Rose: I’m merely gathering some of my things._

_Karkat: What you’re doing is_ merely _shoving your freakishly bony figure into my personal space and reaching over me to pick at your books like a vulture of ruined literature. Can’t you fucking wait until I’m done eating to pick through these carcasses?_

_Rose: I could, but I choose not to. I need to find something in one of these notebooks._

_Karkat: What, has Dave hidden more charming dick art in your pages that you need to re-admire?_

_Rose: Precisely. It’s well-known that I am an avid connoisseur of phalluses._

_Karkat snorts derisively, but before the sound’s even fully out of him, he explodes._

_Karkat: OH SO THIS IS WHY YOU’RE GRABBING YOUR BOOKS! Another scrap of massacred tree pulp with loopy cursive, saying - FUCK YOU ALL, I DO NOT USE THE WORD “FUCK” THAT MUCH!!!_

You wince as the troll’s voice rings in your ears, and you quickly twist the volume control on your headphones down. That troll could out-holler a nursery’s worth of toddlers denied candy.

_Karkat: My vocabulary is broader than any of you could ever fathom, yet you make such an immature accusation? And do so on another goddamn post-it?! Is the entire room boobytrapped with these asinine things?_

_Rose: Boobytrapped is such a strong word for a few friendly reminders._

_Karkat: How the FUCK do you classify this passive aggressive drivel as “FRIENDLY REMINDERS”? Are you literally delusional? I’m so fucking done with you. What the fuck’s gotten into all of you?! I know Dave prides himself on being the largest, gnarliest snotball hanging out of the earthchild’s nose, but I didn’t think all of you would try to live up to his fucking example._

From the sound of it, as Karkat got up, he actually managed to grab the plate with his food this time. Weirdly, you actually feel kind of glad about that. OK, it’s not weird; the point of the game is to annoy him, not to starve him. Nor to ostracize him, though that might be turning into a side effect. Whatever, that should be easily remedied afterwards, right?

_Stomping sounds were followed by a zapping sound._

_Kanaya: I presume that last one you placed referenced his fondness for the word “fuck”?_

_Rose: Yes. Specifically, "Are you sure you've used enough permutations of 'fuck' in your rant? Try including it liberally to be taken more seriously." He truly does have a colorful vocabulary but I correctly presumed that suggesting he instead lacked profane creativity would tip him over the edge._

The recording ended abruptly.

TG: fucking postits  
TT: Thank you for taking down that first post-it by the way. It reminded me that for maximum effectiveness I should have several prepared.  
TT: It could have easily been Karkat instead of you who initially discovered it, and as the audio evidences, one wouldn't have been enough to spark a tantrum.  
TG: so glad i could help  
TT: I had more ready as well, but it seems three was sufficient.  
TG: have you always been bugging the common room or just since we started this game  
TT: What a thought-provoking question, which I have no incentive to answer.  
TG: you fucking voyeur  
TT: The root of "voyeur" is from the French word “voir” - to see - and yet you use it in reference to a discussion of audio recordings.  
TG: if you had video too you wouldve sent that  
TT: Unless I wished to keep that part of my covert recordings a secret.  
TG: ok now thats legit creepy  
TT: Or more likely than not, I'm attempting to make you paranoid.  
TG: were playing karkat tantrum bingo not dave paranoia bingo or ways to be a fucking psychopath bingo  
TT: You’re surprisingly naive about competition. In sports, getting the ball in the goal is the ultimate objective, but if your tactics neglect a strong offense and defense against the other team, you’ll be extremely unsuccessful. Putting the ball in the goal is easy. Doing so while others are attempting to interfere with you, that’s the challenge.  
TG: hey this is supposed to bring us together not tear us apart  
TT: Yet you picked a competitive rather than cooperative game.  
TT: One that centers around manipulation of someone, no less.  
TT: As such, you should be prepared to be torn apart.  
TG: hahahaha id like to see you try  
TT: Clearly, since all you’re doing at this point is watching. It’s pathetic, really.  
TG: no way this is some tortoise and hare shit right here  
TG: yall hop along fast  
TG: eventually let your guard down  
TG: and while youre all taking a nap im going to make karkat flip so much furniture its gonna look like a tornado tore through here  
TT: I’m sorry, I couldn’t parse any actual meaning from your words through the harsh whistling of all that hot air.  
TT: Words are wind, brother.  
TG: dont quote that game of thrones shit at me i know what hot air means  
TG: wait and see  
TG: get content  
TG: take your nap on the side of the track  
TG: its coming  
TT: Excuse me if I fail to shiver with anticipation.  
TG: scused  
TG: this time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters will likely take a bit longer to come out than they did in January, since I'm juggling a lot of other projects, but never fear - chapter 7 is in the works!


	7. "Not Wearing Pants"

gallowsCalibrator  [GC]  responded to private memo.  
GC: ONC3 AG41N, TH3 CUNN1NG DR4GON H4S TURN3D H3R 3N3M13S 4G41NST 34CH OTH3R 4ND NOW R3TURNS TO H3R L41R W1TH TH3 GL1TT3R1NG TROPHY

You can’t decide whose gloating you hate more, hers or Rose’s. Depends on who’s doing it at the moment, you guess.

You can’t complain too much about Terezi right now though. The past few days, you two have been making out more than ever before, spending hours curled up together with your lips locked. Even though you two still haven’t gotten to the R-word yet (relationship, not rimming), at the very least this has gotta be officially friends-with-lip-benefits at this point.

On the shitty side, Terezi just scored again in the one way you don’t want her scoring. And of course, despite sitting right next to you in Can Town, she has to let Kanaya and Rose know exactly what just happened.

TG: hey now thats a bit premature  
TG: you only get the trophy when you win the game  
TG: yeah you swung your hammer and whacked one of the moles  
TG: but just one doesnt make you a winner  
TG: mr chuck e cheese is very stingy with his trophy distribution  
TG: cant just give one out to every kid who shoves her friends out of the way to get the first whack at the rodents  
TG: you gotta get a streak going

Well, neither Rose nor Kanaya seem to be around. So much for that. Terezi shrugs and gets back to building, so you join her. Both of you are still pantless, but sadly she doesn’t initiate anything not strictly architectural.

About fifteen minutes later, you get a notification in your shades as Kanaya replies.

GA: Did Terezi Actually Punch You  
GC: ONLY H1S D3L1C4T3, 34S1LY-WOUND3D PR1D3 >:]  
TT: And Karkat’s pride as well, I’m assuming?  
GC: NOT 3X4CTLY H1S PR1DE SO MUCH 4S H1S S3NS3 OF PROPR13TY  
TG: the most overrated sense of all  
TT: Without a sense of propriety, it’d be very difficult, if not impossible, for you to effectively subvert the cultural norms and standards that you are allegedly so fond of dissecting and undermining with your irony.  
TG: whoa where the hell is this allegedly coming from  
TG: theres nothing “alleged” about my dedication to ripping society a new one with my sweet sense of irony  
TG: its just too layered for you to get through all of it  
TG: like a great big cake  
TG: you got two bites in and youre so overwhelmed by the first few delicious chocolatey layers that you think this must be it  
TG: there cant possibly be vanilla or strawberry in here too  
TG: but you just havent gone deep enough  
GC: *TH3 DR4GON WR4PS H3R3ELF 4ROUND H3R TROPHY 4ND GR1NS 4S SH3 L1ST3NS TO TH3 S1LLY B1CK3R1NG OF L3SS3R MORT4L B31NGS*  
TT: Terezi, would you like to give us an overview of what occurred, or are you too busy being a dragon?  
TG: i dont think it really matters  
TG: she got the point big whoop everyone go home  
GA: Everyone Go Home So That You Can Focus On Finally Scoring A Point For Yourself  
TG: even you kanaya  
GC: *GC C4CKL3S 4T TH3 THOUGHT OF D4V3 HUM4N-SCOR1NG W1TH K4RK4T*  
GA: How Is Human Scoring Different Than Troll Scoring  
TT: It has a secondary definition as a euphemism for having sex.  
GA: Oh I See  
GA: I Was Merely Referring To Our Bingo Game  
GA: But I Suppose I Could See Why You And Terezi Might Also Consider Dave A Potential Source Of Romantic Interest For Karkat  
GA: Though Only Caliginously  
GA: Not That Matesprits Cant Have Lively Banter But The Vitriol Of Theirs Is Beyond Healthy Flushed Passion  
TG: omg stop shipping me with that stanky obnoxiously loud cape obsessed shortstack of an alien  
TT: You forgot to mention his love of shipping grids. Perhaps if you had allowed him to continue uninterrupted, he would have revealed the true intent, which was not merely setting up vacillation for himself and Terezi but incorporating it as a true polyamorous, multi-quadrant triad instead of a V configuration.  
TG: brb puking my guts out  
GC: *TH3 DR4GON G1GGL3S 4ND 4CC1D3NT4LLY SNORTS 4 L1TTL3 B1T OF F1R3 OUT OF H3R NOS3*  
GC: *TH3 MORT4LS 4R3 BL4ST3D W1TH H34T FROM TH3 M1GHTY B34ST, 4ND M4Y H4V3 GOTT3N TH3MS3LV3S 4 B1T CH4RR3D*  
GA: Terezi I Believe The Time For Roleplay Has Passed  
GC: 4R3 YOU K1DD1NG?  
GC: OOPS  
GA: Thank You  
GC: UGH F1N3 >:[  
GC: TH3 R3ST OF YOU 4R3 NO FUN  
TT: You’re not having fun exploring Dave’s exaggerated reactions to any suggestion of romantic tension between himself and our dearest tantrum-prone companion?  
GC: OK 1 T4K3 1T B4CK TH4TS PR3TTY FUN  
TG: fun if you like complete and utter make believe i guess  
TG: though weve already established terezi likes to pretend to be a dragon and rose never stops spouting century old debunked psychoanalysis so  
GC: 4ND WH4T PR3C1S3LY 1S L3SS TH4N TOT4LLY 4W3SOM3 4BOUT M3 B31NG 4 DR4GON SOM3T1M3S?  
TG: hey i never said it wasnt awesome but  
TG: i guess that just leaves me and kanaya who arent fucking crazy  
TT: Dave, “crazy” is a stigmatizing term and mental illness isn’t a joke.  
TG: yeah w/e sorry  
TG: do i seriously have to be politically correct about that shit  
TG: were seriously like the only humans left in the entire fucking universe  
TG: besides john and jade and if they were offended by that theyd have dumped me as a friend ages ago  
TG: id be buried in several years worth of old clothes used tampons and styrofoam by now thats how far down in the landfill id be  
GC: (HUM4NS 4R3 STR4NG3)  
TT: …  
TG: fine im sorry  
TG: ill stop  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: Terezi, I am still curious about how you provoked Karkat into a tantrum about a yet-to-be-revealed topic.  
GC: OH R1GHT!  
GC: 1T W4S NOT W34R1NG P4NTS  
GC: SO D4V3 4ND 1 W3R3 1N C4N TOWN  
GA: Did Our Darling Mayor Witness Someone Pantless  
TG: hey first of all the mayor doesnt even wear pants  
TG: so i dont exactly think that being exposed to a couple of folks in boxers would scar him  
TG: besides we sent him away to be on the safe side  
TT: On the safe side? Did you have something further in mind?  
TG: what do you think  
GC: OH 1 D3F1N1T3LY D1D  
TT: You banished the Mayor so you two could hook up in Can Town?  
TG: yeah that was my thought too but apparently not hers  
GC: WH4T 3X4CTLY QU4L1F13S 4S HOOK1NG UP?  
TG: i am not giving rose a play by play of this  
GC: TH4TS WHY SH3 4SK3D M3, DUMMY  
GC: 4ND TH3R3 1SNT TH4T MUCH TO G1V3 4 PL4Y-BY-PL4Y OF  
GC: 1 JUST SUGG3ST3D 1T W4S 4 L1TTL3 B1T W4RM 1N TH3R3 4ND M4YB3 W3 COULD 3NJOY OUR C1V1C ACT1V3T13S W1TH 4 B1T L3SS UNN3C3SS4RY CLOTH1NG  
GA: So You Removed Your Pants?  
GC: 4ND D4V3S  
GA: No Offense Intended But I Feel Like That Card Had So Much Promise Terezi  
GA: And Your Approach Was A Bit Weak  
GA: Disappointingly Straightforward  
GC: 1S TH4T SO? YOU DONT 3V3N H4V3 TH3 WHOL3 STORY Y3T!  
GA: Yes So I Must Withhold Formal Judgement Until It Has Concluded  
GC: ONLY TH3 L4W M4Y P4SS SUCH 4 H1GH L3V3L OF JUDGM3NT 4ND YOU 4R3 NOT TH3 L4W  
GA: Yes Yes So You Have Mentioned Often In The Past  
GC: >:[  
GA: But I Am Simply Pointing Out  
GA: Removal Of Pants Is So Straightforward And Uncreative  
GA: You Could Have Worn A Skirt Instead  
GA: It Would Have Accomplished The Same Thing  
GA: You Would Be Pantless And Provoke Outrage From Karkat  
GA: Since I Do Not Believe He Nor Any Of The Rest Of Us Have Ever Witnessed You In A Skirt  
GA: But Wearing A Skirt Would Avoid Any Possibility Of Making Others Uncomfortable  
GA: Even Though As We Have Established Such Discomfort Is Unlikely Merited From The Lack Of Trousers Alone  
GC: 1 CONS1D3R3D TH4T BUT 1T WOULD H4V3 PROVOK3D MOR3 QU3ST1ONS FROM D4V3  
GC: 1 W4NT3D TO AVO1D3D 4NYTH1NG TH4T WOULD T1P H1M OFF  
TT: Dave, didn’t you decorate her bingo board with a gorgeous illustrated phallus in the center square?  
TG: yeah  
TG: so  
TT: So you saw her entire bingo card, which included “Not wearing pants.” And yet when she removed her pants in a public location, you truly thought there was no ulterior motive besides a flimsy concern about temperature or perhaps a subtle flirtation?  
TG: she also said she wanted to show me her sweet ass  
TG: boxers  
TG: sweetass boxers  
TG: fuck  
TG: no shes got these boxers with little multicolored plush dragons on them  
GC: 1M SORRY, DAVE  
GC: H4V3 1 PUSH3D YOUR M1ND 1NTO TH3 W4ST3W4T3R TR3NCH?  
GC: DO3S P4NTS R3MOV4L 4LW4YS L34D TO P41L1NG 1N YOUR CULTUR3? YOU S33M TO B3 V3RY 3XC1T4BL3 4BOUT 1T  
TG: im not excitable about anything  
TT: No, it doesn’t always or even usually have sexual connotations. Regardless of what some men may think.  
TT: And if being pantless doesn’t have sexual connotations for you, then sending the Mayor off makes little sense. Why would an individual from a consistently pantless society be scarred by you two wearing only undergarments on your bottom halves?  
GC: D4V3 BOUGHT 1T THOUGH  
TT: Clearly. And your actual reason was because if you sent out the poor Mayor to wander on his own, he would likely run into someone who would escort him back.  
TT: Purely statistically speaking, there was a 25% chance that individual would be Karkat. Or 33%, more accurately, since Gamzee seems eternally elusive.  
GC: 4CTU4LLY CLOS3R TO 50% B3C4US3 YOU 4ND K4N4Y4 4R3 USU4LLY TOG3TH3R  
TT: None of this occurred to Dave.  
TG: hey well if things had gone in any other direction besides pants free construction work then it was good the mayor was gone  
TG: is that so unreasonable of a thing to hope for  
GC: D1D YOU H4V3 SOM3TH1NG 1N M1ND FOR N3XT T1ME? JUST SO 1 KNOW H3H3H3

Terezi reaches over and squeezes your still-naked knee. You place your hand on hers, but other than that, you two continue focusing on the memo.

GA: Did The Mayor End Up Leading Karkat Back  
GC: K4RK4T CL41M3D H3 L3D TH3 M4YOR B4CK BUT D3T41LS W3R3 L4CK1NG 4S MOST OF K4RK4TS 4TT3NT1ON W4S FOCUS3D ON TH3 L4CK OF P4NTS  
GC:1 W4SNT SUR3 1F 1T W4S QU1T3 PISSY 3NOUGH TO QU4L1FY  
GC: SO 1 M4D3 SUR3 TO DO 4N 4CROB4T1C P1ROU3TT3 TO G1V3 H1M 4 FULL LOOK OF MY 1NCR3D1BLY COOL SC4L3 M4T3 BOX3RS  
GC: 4ND TH3N 1 SPUN D4V3 4ROUND  
GC: BUT 1T W4SNT UNT1L 1 PO1NT3D OUT TH3 M4YOR 4LSO DO3SNT W34R P4NTS 4ND TH4T K4RK4T SHOULD JO1N OUR NO P4NTS CLUB TH4T H3 SWOR3 UP 4 STORM 4ND L3FT  
TG: yeah i think that also had something to do with you grabbing for him  
GC: 1 W4S JUST GO1NG TO SP1N H1M AROUND  
TG: what spin him around by his belt cause thats what you were going for  
GC: 1F 1T W4S N3C3SS4RY TO PROVOK3 H1S R4G3 ON TH3 TOP1C OF P4NTS TH3N Y3S  
GC: SOM3T1M3S W3 MUST F1GHT W1TH 3V3RY W34PON W3 H4V3 4T OUR D1SPOS4L  
GC: TO 4CH13V3 TH3 N3C3SS4RY R3SULT  
GA: The Ends Justify The Means  
TT: Troll Machiavelli?  
GA: Harmstorian Machivel Yes  
TT: Fascinating. You’ll have to elaborate later. I’m curious how his or her work was interpreted  
TG: *their  
TG: if were gonna be playing the politically correct game  
TT: “His or her” is grammatically accurate.  
TG: its exclusive what about nonbinary people  
TT: Really?  
TG: are you shitting me i cant joke about people being crazy but being a grammar nazi is more important to you than inclusion of nonbinary people  
TT: Godwin’s Law.  
TG: fuck you grammar nazi doesnt count as a nazi or hitler reference  
GA: What Is A Hitler  
TT: That’s a conversation for another time.  
TT: So Dave, where are your customary protestations of imminent ownage?  
TT: The suggestion that I should be shaking and wetting my skirt in terror at the positively colossal level of skill with which you will annihilate all of us.  
GA: That We Will Dissolve Into Tears When We Witness The Miracle That Is Your Talent For Enraging Karkat  
TT: That you will obliterate us before we so much as have the chance to scream.  
GA: That You Will Sneak Up On Us And Slide The Stiletto Between Our Shoulder Blades Before We Know Youre There  
TT: That we shall rend our garments and tear out our hair at the loss of our beloved victory, victory that was so nearly within our reach yet was cruelly snatched from us at the last possible moment.

You look over to Terezi, expecting to see her toying with chalk or something, but despite her silence she looks like she’s paying full attention to her shades. She’s just not jumping in to join their fruitless crusade to break down your cool kid defenses. Smart. It’s always a total waste of time. Nothing gets to you.

You aren’t the only one who notices her silence, however.

GA: Terezi Are You Still With Us  
GC: WHOOPS  
GC: 1M 4CTU4LLY GO1NG TO H34D OUT  
TT: Alright.  
GA: Goodbye

“You’re heading out?” you ask her as she pulls her pants back on. “Shall I be the valiant knight and escort you back to your room?” You’re deadpan, apparently convincing enough that it annoys her. Obviously you didn’t _mean_ it. Not the knight part, that is. Well, you are a knight but maybe that sort of joke’s stale already.

“Dave, I’m a dragon, not a princess. If you’re going to play up your knight credibility, you should be trying to slay me, not protecting me.” She shoots you a grin and tightens her belt, then leans down to pull her shoes on. “Emphasis on try. No one defeats a dragon.”

“Bullshit. A well-armed knight can defeat a dragon with a little bit of cunning.”

“Clever words will only get you so far, as charming as they are. What cliche are you going to pull out next? Size doesn’t matter?”

“Hey, you started the cliche by saying I should be trying to kill you. Maybe I like escorting dragons home just as much as I like escorting princesses home.”

Terezi leans down to give you a quick kiss on the lips before heading out.

“Unlike princesses, under no circumstances do dragons need escorts.”

A couple of moments after she leaves, you think you hear a gasp from the hall. You jump to your feet before realizing that you probably just imagined it, and even if you didn’t, what are you going to do? Chase after her because “Hey, I heard you taking a really loud breath out there. You wanna talk about it?” Thinking about it for even a moment makes you feel stupider than Hella Jeff stuck in a Subway vent shaft, but without all the delicious smells of bargain meatball and freshly toasted white bread to comfort you, so you sit your ass back down.

The Mayor picks up some chalk and begins drawing on the walls, probably the plans for what he wants you and Terezi to do tomorrow. He sure is industrious. You’re watching with minimal interest when you get a message in your shades.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
CG: ARE YOU AROUND, YOU SKITTERING FUCKROACH?  
TG: dude what would a fuckroach even do  
TG: especially a skittering one  
TG: are you suggesting im about to crawl into someones butthole  
CG: WHAT THE HELL SORT OF RELATION DOES SOMEONE’S BUTT EVEN HAVE TO FUCKING? IS THAT SOME VILE HUMAN FETISH?  
CG: BY THE WAY, THAT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION.  
CG: DON’T TELL ME. I SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.  
TG: oh damn i was really hoping to get into a heart to heart with you over the details of some slow sweet anal loving  
TG: anal loving is where you put a human dick into a human butt by the way  
CG: AND OF COURSE YOU FUCKING ANSWER ANYWAY.  
TG: or a human fist or a strap-on or some bugs i guess  
CG: YOUR IMAGINATION IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER BEEN EXPOSED TO IN MY ENTIRE LIFE  
CG: I WAS WRONG; JACK NOIR WASN’T THE CANCER. THE CANCER WAS THE MUTATED SACK OF GRAY MATTER THAT IS YOUR MIND.  
TG: youre the one starting a conversation with assbugs  
CG: I MADE ABSOLUTELY NO REFERENCE, DIRECT OR INDIRECT, TO ANYONE’S WASTE CHUTE!  
CG: AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR SPECIES’ SEX HABITS OR PERVERSIONS, INVOLVING OR NOT INVOLVING SAID ORIFICE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  
TG: you sure seem interested in our romance  
TG: but you dont wanna hear about our colorful sex practices  
TG: what are you asexual but romantic or you just a fucking speciesist when it comes to your sexual preferences  
TG: like nah dave youre fascinating and i want to have long heartfelt exchanges of our cultural concepts of love and all but youre not a real potential for a partner because youve got brown skin instead of gray  
CG: I HAVE ONE FUCKING QUESTION FOR YOU, SO WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FACIAL ANUS AND LISTEN FOR A SECOND?  
TG: give me one good reason  
CG: BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?  
TG: well see whats the question  
CG: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO TEREZI?  
TG: are you seriously asking me how far ive gone with your ex  
CG: THAT IS **NOT WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT** IN THE _**SLIGHTEST**_!!!  
CG: HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN WHAT YOU ASSUME?!  
TG: because you asked what id done to her and weve already established you have an unhealthily personal interest in whats up with her and me  
CG: I HAVE NO SUCH THING! IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU’RE TOO BONE-HEADED TO RECOGNIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF POSSESSING A DROP OF TROLL CULTURAL KNOWLEDGE WHEN YOU’RE _DATING A TROLL._  
TG: hahaha a drop of troll cultural knowledge you wanted to read me entire fucking books  
CG: I’M SORRY I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW VIOLENTLY ALLERGIC TO KNOWLEDGE YOU ARE.  
CG: IF I HAD KNOWN IT WOULD PROVOKE AN UNCONTROLLABLE ATTACK OF DICK-DOODLING, I WOULD HAVE TREAD WITH MORE CAUTION.  
TG: weve covered this in dick ouija you dont know who drew them  
TG: plus that was on the shipping grid not the novel  
CG: IT WAS NOT A SHIPPING GRID!!!  
TG: definitely was a shipping grid  
CG: YOU ARE LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE.  
CG: I SAY THINGS AND THEY JUST DON’T PROCESS. YOU ARE EITHER IMPRESSIVELY OBSTINATE, UNFATHOMABLY STUPID, OR SECRETLY A ROBOT WITH A BROKEN SUBROUTINE.  
CG: SOMETHING IS *WRONG* WITH YOUR THINK PAN.  
TG: sorry are you talking to yourself again  
TG: i think youre looking for the karkat hatelust wankfest memo  
CG: GO FUCK YOURSELF IN WHATEVER PERVERTED, ASS-CENTRIC SORT OF WAY YOU APPARENTLY ADORE.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Only after he ends the conversation do you realize he never clarified what he meant about Terezi. Whatever. It also dawns on you that you’re still pantless, and now that Terezi’s not with you, you feel a little bit less carefree and a little more, well, naked. You grab your pants off the floor, dust them off, and don them.

You don’t really feel like staying any longer, so you don’t. You exit Can Town and start heading down the hall, but pause when you notice something on the floor. Looking down, you see a smear of bright blue on the metal. You shrug and continue, but there are more smears as you continue down the hall.

Was this why Terezi gasped earlier? Someone just spilled their Faygo - you can see the empty bottle at the corner ahead. You didn’t think she was usually uptight about messes, but you guess you can at least stow the bottle. No way you’re going to mop up this shit. Maybe later you’ll have a word with Karkat and tell him not to angrily throw his soda down the hall, no matter how pissy he is. You didn’t know he drank it, but he might’ve picked up the habit from Gamzee. You’d be amused by this whole situation if this stuff wasn’t so goddamn sticky. Is troll Faygo made with a different formula than human Faygo?

You grab the bottle and find the outside of it just as sticky as the floor feels. The color’s pretty saturated too, like the stuff’s more viscous than you’d expect from a beverage. Suddenly suspicious, you lift the bottle and sniff it, inhaling the salty, metallic scent of a liquid that is definitely not soda.

Blood. This isn’t blueberry Faygo; this is blue blood in a Faygo bottle. As strange as trolls are with their grub sauce and stuff, their reactions to Kanaya being a rainbow drinker are enough to tell you that blood isn’t exactly found bottled up in stores between the apple juice and milk. Someone must’ve drained the bottle and filled it up with blood.

As you straighten, looking at the wall in front of you, you see something painted on the wall in the same cerulean, hard to notice at first from the shitty lighting in this corner. A chill runs down your spine.

_see YOU soon :o)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
>  
> 
> (Stay tuned at gendersquare.tumblr.com. Also, many thanks to my wonderful beta, stunrunner.tumblr.com!)


	8. "Extremely Tight Pants"

Your heart's pounding in your ears and your breath seems hard to catch as you release the bottle. It makes a hollow, mocking sound as it hits the floor.

TG: terezi  
TG: i think weve got a psycho clown on the loose  
TG: was there blood out here when you left  
TG: stupid question because you only left a minute before me  
TG: so i guess a warning wouldve been nice  
TG: not that its a big deal just a little bit of technicolor troll juice splattered all over the floor and walls  
TG: nothing i cant handle  
TG: btw you didnt tell me where you were going  
TG: doesnt matter just curious  
TG: but itd be really nice if you could just say something  
TG: pretend to be a dragon and cyberpounce on me if thats your thing now  
TG: do you want me to be the helpless princess or give you a good fight as the suave knight  
TG: i know you said dragons always win but im still regarding that with some skepticism  
TG: if youre only into it if you win easily then i guess youre shit outta luck because no strider goes down without a fight  
TG: unless were surrendering ironically  
TG: seriously though  
TG: i am down for anything right now that isnt you playing hard to get because haha yeah have i mentioned theres blood everywhere

Okay, there was no body, and no bloody footprints nor smears that looked remotely like a body being dragged. That was good. So it’s not like someone was just murdered right here. Definitely not Terezi. But Terezi was right here a few minutes ago and now there was blood and that ominous message. And there _had_ been that gasp, and it seemed weird that she hadn’t even texted you to remark on the blood. Blood that happens to be blue, kind of like hers. She wasn’t the only troll with blue blood, but the rest of them already died, so why the fuck would their blood be everywhere?

You look up and down the corridors again. Playing detective really isn’t your thing, but you still aren’t sure what the hell happened, and this whole tableau is really giving you the creeps. You see a crude spade smeared on another wall.

TG: so remind me what a spade means to you  
TG: im pretty sure karkat tried to explain it to me once but i couldnt be bothered to give a flying fuck  
TG: seeing as it was in the context of his shipping grid and his really unsubtle attempt to butt his perpetually scowling face into our business  
TG: not that we necessarily have any business but clearly he thinks we do

Terezi still isn’t responding. It’s been a couple of minutes, no more, but come on - what the fuck is she doing? Equally importantly, what the hell are _you_ going to do?

You don’t really want to talk to someone else about this, because it’ll sound like you’re freaking out, which you only are slightly doing, and ironically, of course. But as the seconds and _minutes_ tick by with nothing from Terezi, you know you have to message someone. Rose won’t know shit, plus she’d never stop giving you a hard time. Karkat’s out of the question, since he’s the juggalo's platonic life partner or whatever, and if only from that smiley, it’s obvious this is linked to Gamzee somehow. Well, that leaves you with Kanaya.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--  
TG: hey you around  
TG: ive got a situation  
GA: At Any Given Moment Everyone Has Or Is In Some Sort Of Situation Are They Not  
TG: you know what i mean  
TG: like a problem situation  
GA: An Actual Problem Or The Sort Of Problem I Should Be Poking Fun At You For  
TG: an actual problem  
GA: Okay  
GA: What Seems To Be The Problem  
TG: its a clown problem  
TG: and a blood problem  
GA: ... Im Listening  
TG: and terezis not responding  
GA: I Thought Terezi Was With You  
TG: she was but she left a little while ago and i just walked into the hallway and found an empty bottle of faygo surrounded by blood  
TG: blue blood  
GA: What Shade Of Blue  
TG: uh its blue  
GA: Dave There Are A Number Of Very Distinct Shades Of Blue  
GA: And I Do Not Know Whether You Should Be Terrified Or Not Yet And Will Not Know Until You Can Be More Specific With The Hue  
TG: im sorry ill delay any and all terror until ive consulted my middle school art textbook so we can know whether this is cornflower blue or sky blue  
TG: then i can get back to panicking about it staining the walls or instead be thrilled its improving the decor  
GA: No It Wouldnt Be Sky Blue Nor Cornflower Blue  
GA: I Need To Know If Its Teal Or Cerulean Or Indigo  
TG: how the hell am i supposed to tell the difference  
TG: its fucking blue ok do i need to send you a picture  
GA: Is It Bright Blue Green Ish Blue Or Purple Tinted Blue  
TG: its just blue blue  
GA: Are You Sure It Doesnt Have Any Green Or Purple In It  
TG: yeah  
GA: Then It It Probably Vriskas Blood  
GA: Still Concerning Because Any Such Surprise Appearance Of Blood Cannot Bode Well  
GA: But Not As Acutely So  
GA: If It Is Not Teal Then It Isnt Terezis So That Isnt A Concern  
GA: What Else Was At The Scene  
TG: theres an empty faygo bottle with blood on it and  
TG: see YOU soon :o)  
TG: on a wall  
TG: oh and a spade on another  
GA: …  
TG: what  
GA: Im On My Way  
GA: Are You Outside Can Town  
TG: wow that doesnt sound ominous at all  
TG: yeah

You don't mention how you really don't want to be here right now. You take a few steps away from the corner, further down the hall. You're not _scared_ , because Striders don’t get scared, but you're still pretty creeped out. Kanaya’s ellipsis wasn’t reassuring. You don’t know what exactly is going on, but whatever it is, it can’t be good.

Kanaya shows up a few minutes later, tube of lipstick in hand. She rolls it back and forth between her fingers, a sour look on her face. As she strides towards you, she glances to each side, sweeping the hall for anything you neglected to mention or missed, no doubt.

"Over there?" she asks unnecessarily, looking towards the bottle.

“Yeah.” You follow her as she heads over to it. Wrinkling her nose, she leans down and picks it up.

“This is definitely Vriska’s blood, and Gamzee’s doing. I don’t know why he would leave a bottle of her blood lying around though.”

“What about the spade and the message?”

Kanaya’s expression darkens. “I’d rather not speculate.”

You open your mouth to respond, but you pause when you see a notification. There’s new message on the memo. You glance at Kanaya, who raises an eyebrow at you.

“Rose just replied to the memo.”

“I see. Perhaps we should pause and check on that?”

“Sure.” It’s not like this is going anywhere. And Terezi still hasn’t responded. With Kanaya’s reassurance that this isn’t her blood, you should be calmer, but you’re not.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  sent the file “Extremely Tight Pants.Txt” --

You open it immediately, whether out of desperation for a distraction or disbelief that Rose seriously provoked a tantrum within the past hour, you don't know. Kanaya sits down next to you, pulling out her laptop, presumably to read it as well.

You download and open the file.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
TT: Hello.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
TT: Nothing but a friendly chat.  
TT: I wanted to get your opinion on something.  
CG: UH HUH.  
CG: IF IT'S ANYTHING ABOUT TINY HOOFBEASTS OR OTHER STUNTED ANIMALS, I'M BLOCKING YOU.  
TT: Quite to the contrary. I think it's a topic of some relevance to your interests.  
TT: I heard you recently had some trouble with individuals not wearing pants.  
CG: OH SO THEY WEREN'T JUST LAUGHING ABOUT IT, THEY WERE BRAGGING ABOUT IT?  
CG: FUCK THEM, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK THE MINIATURE PONY YOU RODE IN ON.  
TT: Horses and ponies aren't interchangeable.  
CG: I’M SORRY, DOES IT LOOK LIKE A GIVE A SINGLE HOOFBEAST’S STINKING PIECE OF SHIT?  
TT: If you would actually take a moment to cease your theatrics and read more carefully, you would see that I explicitly stated that my reason for starting this conversation isn’t related to horses, ponies, Alternian hoofbeasts, nor any other related species.  
CG: NO, APPARENTLY IT’S RELATED TO PANTS.  
CG: I CAN’T FATHOM WHY YOU WOULD WANT MY OPINION ON ANYTHING RELATED TO PANTS.  
TT: Well, as I’m sure you know, I haven’t ever been fond of pants. Nor has Kanaya. However, it has come to my attention that a lack of pants may be upsetting to you.  
CG: NO, YOU AND KANAYA ARE FINE, AS LONG AS YOU KEEP ALL OF YOUR CLOTHING ON AND DON’T PRANCE AROUND IN YOUR UNDERWEAR.  
CG: LOOK, THERE’S MY OPINION, AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO LEAVING ME ALONE.  
CG: NO FURTHER DISCUSSION NEEDED.  
TT: To the contrary, I think it’s important that I am respectful of your preferences. If a lack of pants disturbs you, it’s a small sacrifice for me to adjust my wardrobe accordingly.  
TT: I’ve already given some thought to what I could wear.  
CG: PLEASE DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE LEGITIMATELY ASKING FOR MY FASHION ADVICE.  
CG: I’M ABOUT 99% SURE THAT’S KANAYA’S AREA OF EXPERTISE.  
CG: AND THAT LINGERING 1% IS ONLY BECAUSE SOMETIMES I QUESTION IF SHE’S ACTUALLY THAT AESTHETICALLY ADEPT WHEN SHE WEARS JADE LIPSTICK WITH A RED SKIRT.  
TT: All the more reason for her and I to re-think our choice of bottoms.  
TT: Perhaps if we wore something more like this: [goo.gl/ovsePa](http://goo.gl/ovsePa).  
CG: OK, I KNOW THAT YOU AND KANAYA THINK YOU’RE SO *EDGY* WITH YOUR BLACK LIPSTICK AND LOVE OF PSEUDO-GOTH AESTHETICS, BUT DON’T YOU THINK THOSE ARE A LITTLE OVER THE TOP?  
CG: SHINY BLACK, REALLY? NOT TO MENTION THEY LOOK LIKE THEY WERE PAINTED ON HER!  
TT: Well, in that case, what about these: [goo.gl/8yevNG](http://goo.gl/8yevNG)?  
CG: THOSE AREN’T EVEN PANTS!!! THEY’RE FREAKISHLY SHRUNKEN CAPRIS RETREATING FROM THE HIDEOUS PIECES OF DEAD-SALMON-COLORED CANVAS THAT ARE MASQUERADING AS SHOES!  
CG: AND WHAT ON EARTH IS UP WITH THE WAY THE FABRIC IS PULLED ACROSS HER CROTCH??? EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT SPANDEX DISASTER SCREAMS “STOP ME BEFORE I INFECT YOUR WARDROBE TOO.”  
TT: You’re right; the shoes really don’t work well there and her pose is awkward. Here, how about this instead: [goo.gl/IQCHBu](http://goo.gl/IQCHBu). These ones are such a lovely color as well.  
CG: THOSE ARE EXACTLY THE SAME “PANTS” EXCEPT THAT THEY’RE THE COLOR OF REGURGITATED KRAFT GRUBSAUCE!!!  
CG: AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS STILL YET UNTAINTED BY YOUR FOUL TASTE IN CLOTHING, DON’T SEND ME ANY MORE LINKS!  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT *ANY* OF THESE WOULD BE MORE PREFERABLE TO SKIRTS?!  
CG: JUST KEEP WEARING WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN WEARING. YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT “LESS OFFENSIVE” CLOTHING WOULD OR COULD ENTAIL, NOT TO MENTION THAT **NOT ONCE DID I SUGGEST I HAD A PROBLEM WITH YOUR USUAL ATTIRE**!!!  
CG: NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU WEARING PANTS. EVER!  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

Terezi had “Extremely Tight Pants” on her bingo board too. You almost want to open your messages with her again to tell her about this, but not only is she not responding, she obviously has access to the memo, so she’ll see Rose’s message at the same time that she sees yours. Making anything you say to her about it redundant.

GA: Im Not Sure How I Feel About Tantrums Sparked By Unsolicited Trollian Chats  
TT: According to the rules we've laid out, there's nothing that suggests it would be anything but valid.  
TG: idk kanaya i think its legit  
TG: im a little more peeved about you pestering karkat while kanaya and i are dealing with a murderous clown on the loose  
TT: A formerly murderous clown, who has been "on the loose" the entire time we've been on this meteor.  
TT: Nothing has changed except that he's shown a renewed interest in painting the walls with blood, judging from what Kanaya said.  
TG: and i havent heard from terezi  
TG: yeah def nothing to be worried about  
GA: Maybe A Little Worried But Not Too Much  
TG: kanaya  
TT: Kanaya.  
GA: Sorry

You close out of the memo. There’s not really anything more to say, and you feel pretty acutely tired of it. For the first time, it occurs to you that maybe your future self wasn’t giving you the best advice. After all, he hadn’t actually played Karkat Tantrum Bingo, so how would he know if it was actually a good idea?

"Would you like me to walk you back to your respite block?" Kanaya asks.

"Nah," you reply. There’s nothing else Kanaya can do to help; what you really need is for Terezi to fucking respond, and no one can help you with that except Terezi herself.

You head back to your room. You don’t even want to harass Karkat right now; you just want to find a way to kill time, preferably alone.

About half an hour after you get back, when you’re deep into writing some admittedly rough-around-the-edges rhymes, Terezi finally replies. Your heart leaps and you respond quickly.

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
GC: WHO4 SORRY 1 M1SS3D 4LL YOUR M3SS4G3S  
TG: where the hell have you been  
TG: im not paranoid but when i first came outside it looked like the clown got you  
GC: HUH?  
TG: well i came out and there was blood everywhere and his creepy smiley up on the wall  
TG: and a bottle of faygo  
TG: so all signs were pointing straight to juggalo nation  
TG: population one batshit insane known to be murderous clown  
TG: putting up friendly signage welcoming citizens to his newly declared country  
TG: and reminding them of their imminent deaths  
GC: Y34H TH3 BLOOD W4S K1ND OF CR33PY  
GC: BUT 1 D1DNT TH1NK YOUD WORRY S1NC3 1TS OBV1OUSLY NOT MY BLOOD  
TG: yeah kanaya says its vriskas not yours  
TG: but it just looked blue to me  
GC: H3H3, D4V3 L4CKS 4 D1SC3RN1NG P4L4T3  
TG: palette  
GC: S4M3 TH1NG!  
TG: only for synesthetic aliens whose digestive systems can handle chalk and paint and balloons and blood  
TG: for the rest of us the closest we get to mixing our dinner and our art projects is macaroni necklaces in kindergarten  
TG: which bro insisted on taking from me and wearing for the rest of week  
TG: because i was too young to appreciate the levels of irony that it contained  
TG: and also because he thought kindergarten was a good a time as any to realize your cool older bro is always gonna snatch your best stuff away from you if you let him  
GC: 4WW, TH4TS CUT3  
GC: YOUR HUM4N LUSUS W4S 4LW4YS V3RY SUPPORT1V3 OF YOUR PROJ3CTS, W4SNT H3?  
TG: i dunno if supportive is the right word but he definitely pushed me along in my pursuit of artistic irony  
GC: 1TS SO SW33T 1 C4N POS1T1V3LY T4ST3 TH3 SUG4RY 4FF3CT1ON DR1PP1NG FROM YOUR WORDS  
TG: what that is in no way sappy  
TG: before you get rambling on about tastes again  
TG: can you explain why the fuck gamzee drew a spade on the wall  
GC: >:?  
TG: is he trying to get his oversized codpiece up in you  
TG: k wow im sounding as jealous as karkat  
TG: it just seems really weird and i know that hes about as stable as an unattended dining cart on a cruise ship during a hurricane  
TG: i thought that karkat had calmed him down by lovingly rubbed him down with diamond dust massage cream or however that pale stuff goes  
TG: but clearly karkats sensual healing skills arent all he thought they were  
TG: since getting blood everywhere and drawing spades and spooky messages on shit isnt the epitome of calm and harmless  
GC: D4V3 1 4M R34LLY F1N3  
TG: how do i know the psycho clown isnt holding a club to your head  
GC: S3R1OUSLY?  
GC: DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK 1 C4NT T4K3 C4R3 OF MYS3LF?  
TG: where are you anyway  
TG: whats going on you havent actually explained that yet  
GC: 1TS COMPL1C4T3D  
TG: are you actually pulling the its complicated line on me  
TG: are we in one of karkats romcoms right about to have some big shocking plot twist  
TG: what do you have a spades thing with him or something  
GC: S1GH >:[  
TG: wait really  
GC: 4S OF NOW, K1ND OF  
GC: OR 1TS TURN1NG 1NTO SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--  
GC: ... D4V3?


	9. Dave: Waste Some Time

You're starting to think that Karkat Tantrum Bingo was a stupid idea. Future Dave has never led you astray before, but this time it wasn't future _you_. By telling you, he’d ensured he was from a different timeline. Then again, Davesprite had been from a doomed timeline and he helped you out plenty. Even alternate timeline Daves always had Dave's best interest at heart.

But was this really a future alternate timeline Dave sacrificing himself so that you could progress, like it had been in the past? He was sacrificing himself, by creating a new timeline, since it sounded like he was pretty sure his was going to be doomed anyway.

If other Dave was so altruistic and the game was such a good idea, why did you feel so meh about it all right now? Some of this is your fault, you admit, not other Dave’s. You should’ve paid closer attention to where he said he ended up. When he had mentioned Terezi being “down with the clown,” well, you don’t really know _what_ you were thinking. Apparently you weren’t thinking at all. If you had, you would have seen that coming. What good would it have done though? You’re not sure what you would’ve done differently if you had been thinking about it. Maybe you wouldn’t have bothered to make out with her in the first place.

You and Terezi had never talked about dating. What the hell were you gonna say about it? You’d thought things were going fine and hadn’t seen the need to Make Shit Official. Well, that lack of communication had sure bit you in the ass, since apparently she didn’t see any problem with hate-macking some creepy clown behind your back. Who knows how long that'd been going on. She made it sound like it had just started, but so what if it had? You have precisely zero desire to share her, especially with Gamzee. Karkat would probably have some rambling horseshit "cultural differences" response to that, but you want no part in it.

Just thinking about it makes you feel queasy. It’s not settled, really, since you stopped responding before you two could actually discuss it, but you’re already pretty resigned. Yeah, if she apologizes and agrees to cut the clowning around, you could probably make it work, even though you’d still be pissed. Why are you so convinced that’s not gonna happen?

You spend most of the rest of the day in your room, and same with the day after. The couple of times you venture out are just to grab coffee and something resembling food, and the computer lab is empty each time you arrive. It's not like you mind; you're not really in the mood for Rose's smirk or Kanaya's sly placidity, but it gives you a nagging feeling like you're being excluded from something. At least you don’t run into Terezi. You’re still not sure what to say to her.

Late in the afternoon, you’re finishing writing up some sick fires, practicing for future rap battles. Gotta keep your skills hot, even if there’s no one to compete with on this rock. Bunch of uncultured barbarians. At least once you meet up with the others again, you and Davesprite can do rap battles. Unfortunately, your wit sharpening is interrupted by Karkat.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
CG: AS SKEPTICAL AS I AM ABOUT YOUR ABILITY TO PROVIDE ME WITH AN INTELLIGENT, SUCCINCT ANSWER, I AM GOING TO PERILOUSLY INCH OUT ON A TREE BRANCH HERE AND ASK THE QUESTION ANYWAY.  
CG: (NOTE THE USE OF A TREE BRANCH; IT’S FORESHADOWING.)  
TG: rule number one of foreshadowing is you dont come out and say its foreshadowing  
TG: the whole point is that its shady  
TG: subtle  
TG: sneaking in there like a preteen couple into an r rated movie  
TG: this is gonna end badly somehow but we dont pay much attention to it at first  
TG: not until its halfway into the movie and the girl starts screaming when the secondary character gets sliced in half with a chainsaw  
CG: THAT’S A TERRIBLE EXAMPLE. FORESHADOWING ENTAILS A SUBTLE REFERENCE TO SOMETHING THAT WILL SHOW UP LATER.  
CG: PRETEENS DO NOT “FORESHADOW” MOVIE-DISRUPTING THEATRICS.  
CG: MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU’RE VEERING AWAY FROM THE QUESTION  
TG: i dunno sounds like you still arent done with your shitty preamble  
CG: I WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH IT BY NOW IF YOU HADN’T INTERRUPTED!  
TG: uh huh  
CG: SARCASM IS UNCALLED FOR. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION, REMEMBER? YOU’RE NOT INSTILLING MUCH FAITH IN ME.  
TG: oh my god just the q already  
CG: HOW DO YOU DEFINE A BIRD?  
TG: wait thats your question  
CG: NO, I’M JUST DERAILING YOU. OF COURSE THAT’S THE QUESTION! HENCE THE CAREFUL USE OF A SURPRISE NOODLE AT THE END.  
TG: what kinda bird do you mean  
TG: the one i am fond of flipping at you or the feathery animal  
CG: THE LATTER. YES, THEY HAVE FEATHERS. GOOD. WHAT ELSE?  
TG: they have wings and they fly and usually they chirp or steal your shit and theyre kind of annoying but also awesome on a certain level like most of johns favorite movies  
TG: dont tell him i said that  
CG: WOW, YOU ACTUALLY SAID SOMETHING USEFUL. IT’S A MIRACLE!!!  
TG: yeah you get one per lifetime now its gone so bye  
CG: NOT SO FAST. I HAVE A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.  
CG: BY YOUR OWN LOGIC, ISN’T “FLIGHTLESS BIRDS” ANY OXYMORON?  
TG: there are exceptions  
CG: SO NOW YOU’RE TAKING BACK WHAT YOU SAID?  
TG: this has been a blast but i got someone else messaging me someone who i might actually want to talk to  
TG: so im gonna go

The notification says it’s from Terezi, but that isn’t something you’re going to share with that nosy asshole.

CG: THAT’S WHAT MULTIPLE TABS ARE FOR!  
TG: i could do that  
TG: or i could  
TG: not  
CG: YOU’RE FLEEING IN THE LEAST SUBTLE WAY POSSIBLE BECAUSE I’VE FOUND A FLAW IN YOUR PREDICTABLY POROUS STATEMENT.  
TG: whatever helps you sleep at night  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  blocked carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  \--

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
GC: D4V3?  
GC: 4R3 YOU 4ROUND?  
TG: sup  
GC: 1 D1DNT W4NT H4R4SS YOU BUT YOUV3 B33N UNCH4R4CT3R1ST1C4LLY QU13T  
GC: P3OPL3 4R3 B3G1NN1NG TO 4SK QU3ST1ONS  
GC: H4S TH3 PURR B34ST GOT TH3 COOL K1D'S TONGU3???  
TG: and by people you mean you  
GC: Y3S B3C4US3 YOU H4V3NT SPOK3N TO M3 1N TWO D4YS >:/  
TG: right  
GC: US1NG MY POW3RS OF D3DUCT1ON 1M HYPOTH3S1Z1NG TH4T YOUR3 UPS3T 4BOUT TH3 G4MZ33 TH1NG  
GC: 1M SORRY 4BOUT TH4T  
GC: 1 D1DNT R34L1Z3 1T W4S GO1NG 1N TH4T D1R3CT1ON  
GC: 1 H4T4 H1M 4ND 1 W4S TRY1NG TO K1LL H1M  
GC: BUT TH4T W4SNT HOW 1T 3ND3D UP WORK1NG OUT...  
TG: im not upset just surprised  
GC: 1 DONT W4NT TH1S TO CH4NG3 TH1NGS W1TH YOU  
TG: well that sucks because it kinda does  
GC: B3C4US3 HUM4NS DONT H4V3 QU4DR4NTS?  
TG: basically  
TG: i mean its your life im not gonna tell you what to do  
TG: but im not really interested in a timeshare with a creepy clown  
TG: or with anyone else  
TG: why do you think i was pissed when karkat accosted me with that shipping grid the other week  
GC: TH4T W4S PR3SUMPTUOUS OF H1M  
GC: H3 SHOULD H4V3 D1SCUSS3D H1S F33L1NGS W1TH M3  
GC: BUT TH4TS 1RR3L3V4NT NOW  
GC: 1TS NOT 4BOUT M3 4ND K4RK4T ITS 4BOUT M3 4ND G4MZ33  
TG: yeah and im not really down to be a part of it  
GC: … SO DO3S TH1S M34N YOU DONT W4NT TO D4T3?  
TG: why  
GC: OBJ3CT1ON! YOU C4NT 4NSW3R 4 QU3ST1ON W1TH 4 QU3ST1ON  
TG: yeah but if the answers contingent on an unprovided piece of information thats a pretty unfair interrogation tactic  
GC: H3H3H3! WHY WOULD 1NT3RROG4T1ON 3V3R B3 _F41R_?  
TG: because i thought we were two cool kids pretending to be mature enough to handle a romantic conversation  
TG: or something like that  
GC: >:P  
GC: SO  
TG: so  
GC: …?  
TG: was that thing with gamzee a one time thing  
GC: HON3STLY, 1 DONT KNOW  
GC: 1 HOP3 SO BUT  
GC: H3S SO D3SP1C4BL3  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T D1R3CTION 1TS GO1NG TO GO 1N  
TG: k  
TG: well that settles it thanks for the serious chat  
GC: W41T TH4TS 1T?  
TG: yeah  
TG: i told you already not really down for sharing  
TG: and i cant get behind the hate snogging thing its just not something humans do so i cant really be chill with it  
TG: but its your culture and your dating life so im not gonna sit here throwing my two cents at you like kids chucking pennies into a wishing well  
TG: just means im not gonna be in that dating life  
GC: OH...  
GC: OK TH3N...  
TG: see you around i guess  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

You feel hollow, so you turn up your headphones all the way and sink into the music. There’s a new message on the memo, but it’s gotta be someone gloating about how they got Karkat to flip over flightless birds, and you’re not feeling it right now. Hours later, it occurs to you that you should unblock Karkat. You do. You still don’t look at the memo.

It’s past 2 a.m. when you finally pull away to collapse into bed. The little white number that had been on your computer screen, 2:16 glowing on the red bottom bar like a pale scar on flushed skin, is nothing more than a relic of dead universe. Time is laughably arbitrary here, basically useless, yet you all observe it. It’s all complete and total bullshit, not unlike your game roles now. You had your uses, and now you’re just kinda _there_ , not knowing what to do with yourselves with your only purpose gone.

You mercifully wake up remembering little of the night before, only the vaguest sense of discomfort sneaking in when you put on your iShades and see the timestamp of 12:34. You’re just pulling yourself over to your computer when Karkat messages you.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
CG: YOUR SPECIES IS STRANGE.  
TG: says the literal troll  
CG: (AND BY THE WAY HOW KIND OF YOU TO UNBLOCK ME! I SHOULD REALLY THANK YOU, EXCEPT THAT YOU DECIDED TO RUDELY BLOCK ME IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO EMBARRASSED TO FACE THAT I CALLED YOU ON YOUR BULLSHIT YET AGAIN.)  
TG: yeah theres no way anyone else would message me or i would decide i was bored of your rapidfire projectile word shitting  
CG: YOU ONCE AGAIN ENTIRELY IGNORE THE BRILLIANT INVENTION THAT IS MULTIPLE TABS.  
TG: you once again entirely ignore the complete lack of fucks i give about what you think  
TG: fuck shortage is so severe here the entire populace has declared a state of emergency and is begging the government for fuck rations  
TG: its absolutely batshit that youre accusing the humans of being the strange ones  
TG: youre seriously a car wreck the polite thing to do would be to look away but youre already on fire and irreparably bent out of shape and i dont know whether to laugh or be pissed its slowing down my drive to cool town usa  
CG: HUMANS *ARE* THE STRANGE ONES.  
CG: NAME EXACTLY ONE WAY IN WHICH TROLLS ARE STRANGER THAN YOU. I MEANWHILE WILL POINT OUT YOUR SPECIES’ FREAKISHLY GENDERED SOCIAL NORMS.  
TG: so thats what this is about  
TG: rose got you on heteronormativity didnt she

Sure enough, another notification pops up; Rose has commented in the memo. You ignore it.

CG: "GOT ME"? SHE DIDN'T "GET" ME ON ANYTHING. SHE MERELY ELABORATED ON THE NATURE OF "SEXUAL ORIENTATION" AND ITS MIND-BOGGLINGLY PREVALENT EFFECTS ON YOUR PRIMITIVE, GENDER-OBSESSED SPECIES, PARTICULARLY IN YOUR MEDIA CONSUMPTION.  
TG: alright ill give you that heteronormativity is a big steaming pile of bullshit  
TG: a lot of human gender and sex stuff is but dont try to tell me that trolls dont have some nutty ideas and taboos going on in that realm too  
CG: OUR ROMANTIC, SEXUAL, AND GENDER NORMS, WHILE SLIGHTLY TAINTED BY THE INFLUENCE OF OUR MANIACAL EMPRESS, ARE STILL LIGHTYEARS MORE EVOLVED THAN YOURS.  
CG: IF ANY OF IT STRIKES YOU AS STRANGE, IT'S SIMPLY BECAUSE YOUR SIMIAN BRAIN CAN'T SUFFICIENTLY APPRECIATE IT. IT WOULD BE LIKE SHOWING A COMPUTER TO A CAVE TROLL. HE'S SO PRIMITIVE THAT SOMETHING THAT ADVANCED IS COMPLETELY BEYOND HIS APPRECIATION.  
TG: hahahaha youre seriously bragging about how much better you are at gender and then you use a male pronoun as default  
TG: have you always been this much of a hypocrite or is it the result of many years of seeing how wide you can stretch your jaw with your yammering so you can better shove your ugly foot into it  
CG: YOU MORON, WE'RE USING A TRANSLATOR PROGRAM!!! I *AM* USING A GENDER NEUTRAL PRONOUN, SO IF IT'S COMING OUT AS MALE IT'S THE FAULT OF THE TRANSLATION OR YOUR STUPID LANGUAGE.  
TG: dont give me that i know you know some english you offered to translate that romance novel  
CG: 1) I KNOW SOME ENGLISH BUT I AM FAR FROM FLUENT THOUGH I’M WORKING ON IT (HOW KIND OF THE HUMANS TO WORK ON LEARNING ALTERNIAN TOO - OH WAIT, NEITHER OF YOU HAS BOTHERED TO TRY!)  
TG: actually im kinda surprised rose hasnt given her obsession with getting her tongue as close to kanayas as is possible  
CG: 2) ELABORATING ON STATEMENT 1, I WOULD BE USING THE TRANSLATOR FOR MOST OF THE ROMANCE NOVEL, AND SIMPLY OFFERING MY MINOR IMPROVEMENTS AND CLARIFICATION WHEN IT COMES TO TRANSLATING ROMANTIC CULTURAL DIFFERENCES.  
CG: 3) DOES YOUR LANGUAGE EVEN *HAVE* A GENDER NEUTRAL PRONOUN?  
TG: singular they  
CG: HUH?  
TG: they can be used as a singular gender neutral pronoun theres a bunch of others too but they is most common  
CG: I THOUGHT “THEY” WAS PLURAL? OR IS IT LIKE “YOU” WHICH CAN BE EITHER?  
TG: grammar freaks think they is only plural but really it can be used as either  
TG: so im guessing the translator is a grammar freak  
TG: how the hell did rose suck you into an explanation of heteronormativity anyway how did that even come up  
CG: SHE LURED ME IN WITH A DISCUSSION OF TITANIC AND OTHER ROMANTIC COMEDIES.  
TG: hahahaha oh god you fell for that  
CG: WHY THE FUCK I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO HER THINKING SHE MIGHT BE SAYING THAT *WOULDN’T* END UP BEING INFURIATING IS ENTIRELY BEYOND ME.  
CG: PAST KARKAT IS AN IDIOT, THAT’S ALL I GUESS. PRESENT KARKAT IS SO SICK OF HIS SHIT, AND FUTURE KARKAT ISN’T GOING TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN.  
TG: fun fact present karkat sounds like a crazy spaz  
CG: WHAT IS EVEN ROSE’S PROBLEM?! SHE WASN’T ANYWHERE NEAR THIS INFURIATING UNTIL A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.  
CG: IS THIS SOME SORT OF ABSURD HUMAN MATING DISPLAY FOR KANAYA?  
CG: THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE SINCE I WAS NEVER A RIVAL. IF IT WAS YOU DOING IT AROUND TEREZI, THAT I WOULD UNDERSTAND.  
CG: BUT TEREZI’S BEEN INSUFFERABLE LATELY TOO, WHEREAS YOU HAVE BEEN THE SAME AMOUNT OF INSUFFERABLE AS YOU ALWAYS ARE.  
TG: hmm  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: nothing  
CG: WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON’T?  
TG: nothing  
CG: THAT’S A STEAMING PILE OF HORSESHIT CLEARLY SIGNALLING THE PRESENCE OF A HORSE WITH SOME ANSWERS VERY NEARBY!!!  
TG: why do you gotta make everything a big conspiracy  
TG: maybe im just thinking back to the tragedy that is heteronormativity and how it shows up in everything from hot pocket commercials to disney movies  
CG: ROSE BROUGHT UP THIS “DISNEY” ALSO.  
CG: SPECIFICALLY THE “PRINCESS MOVIES.”  
TG: uh those are the disney movies starring princesses i think youre a few pastries short of the doughnut shop being ready to open for business today  
CG: YES I FIGURED THAT MUCH OUT, THANKS SO VERY MUCH. I JUST DON’T SEE WHY THEY’RE SO IMPORTANT THEY NEED THEIR OWN GENRE TITLE.  
TG: theres the little mermaid and cinderella and beauty & the beast and a metric fuckton more  
CG: I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY OF THOSE.  
TG: which ones have you seen  
CG: WHAT, WHICH PRINCESS MOVIES? NONE OF THEM.  
TG: no which disney movies youve seen during this entire year of you cozied up with your laptop like an old lady cozied up with the stuffed corpse of her dead cat  
CG: SAME ANSWER.  
TG: what  
CG: AS I SAID ABOVE: NONE OF THEM. AS IN, I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY DISNEY MOVIE, NIMWIT.  
TG: what the fuck do you mean youve never seen a disney movie  
TG: dont get me wrong disney is the biggest oldest garbage dump of sexism and trope in the entire now obliterated us of a  
TG: but youre telling me that you havent seen one ever  
TG: that you chose to watch dane cook over a disney movie that you chose to watch multiple dane cook movies before watching a single disney movie  
TG: you wanted to learn about human culture yet completely skipped the defining childhood genre  
CG: EXCUSE ME FOR PICKING A FEW MODERATELY ENTERTAINING FILMS WITH AN ACTOR YOU DON’T APPRECIATE OVER A BUNCH OF SCRIBBLED FILMS FOR WIGGLERS.  
TG: dont knock it til youve tried it  
TG: and youre gonna try it right right the hell now because theres no way youre going another day without seeing a disney movie  
TG: preferably lion king i know ive got it here somewhere  
CG: "LION KING"? IF YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT MANED PURR BEASTS WHO ALSO HAPPEN TO BE ROYALTY, I WILL ROLL MY EYES SO HARD THEY'LL SPIN LIKE A TANK'S TIRES IN GORE.  
TG: uh you mean mud  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU DRIVE A TANK INTO THE MUD?  
TG: why would you drive yours into gore  
CG: BECAUSE IT'S A TANK, SO IT'S NATURALLY ON A BATTLEFIELD, WHERE CORPSES PILE UP! WOW, YOU REALLY ARE EVERY BIT AS STUPID AS YOU LOOK, WHICH IS IMPRESSIVE GIVEN HOW UNSURPASSABLY MORONIC YOU APPEAR WITH YOUR CAPE AND YOUR SHADES.  
TG: you love my cape dont lie  
CG: YOU GOT ME, I *LOVE* YOUR CAPE.  
CG: I “LOVE” IT IF TODAY IS OPPOSITE DAY (SINCE WE'RE ALREADY TALKING ABOUT WIGGLER SUBJECTS WITH YOUR ANIMATED PURR BEASTS), AND “LOVE” MEANS “TO DESPISE IN A COMPLETELY PLATONIC AND RETCH-INDUCING WAY.”  
TG: youre so jealous  
TG: you coulda had a sweetass cape too but only one of us went god tier  
TG: karkat is shit outta luck  
CG: I LITERALLY CARE MORE ABOUT THE SHIT I GAVE THE LOAD GAPER THIS MORNING THAN I DO ABOUT HAVING AN UGLY COSTUME WITH A COMPLETELY SUPERFLUOUS SCRAP OF FABRIC HANGING FROM IT LIKE A SLITHERCREATURE'S HALF-SHEDDED DEAD SKIN.  
TG: if the translator is so good at changing shit to meet our cultural norms why does it keep all your kiddie nicknames for animals  
TG: are you doing that on purpose  
TG: you totally are i know you know enough about language that its totally whats going on  
CG: ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO TELL ME WHAT THIS AWFUL MOVIE YOU’RE GOING TO SUBJECT ME TO IS ACTUALLY ABOUT?  
TG: its a masterpiece with the most intense coming of age story  
TG: now shut up and get over here i dont feel like moving but i am not letting you get out of seeing this  
CG: SURE, I'LL ABSOLUTELY FETCH MY TISSUE BOX, CUDDLE UP IN A PILE, AND PREPARE FOR THE TSUNAMI OF UNFATHOMABLE EMOTIONS SURE TO BE TRIGGERED BY A CARTOON ABOUT LIONS.  
CG: (LOOK, I CORRECTED IT TO “LION” THIS TIME! BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS A FUCKING STICK UP THEIR RECTUM ABOUT HOW THE TRANSLATOR IS WORKING TODAY!)

You get a weird feeling in your stomach, thinking that you two might actually do this. If you had told yourself a month ago that you’d be willingly hanging out with Karkat, you would have laughed in your face. Not that you wouldn’t have believed yourself, because future Dave is pretty damn good at looking out for you (well, it remains to be seen on this whole bingo fiasco), but surprised yet sincere belief would’ve been your second reaction. Your first reaction would have been a twist of your lips, a slight shake of your shoulders, and a half-muffled noise behind one fist that would inarguably count as laughter, as much as you’re one to avoid belly-shaking guffaws. It takes a lot to even get a giggle out of you, given your well-practiced composure, but that definitely would’ve qualified.

CG: OR I COULD SIT ON MY ASS AND *NOT* DO THAT.

Or you could not actually do that. You let out a sigh of relief you didn’t realize you were holding. Even though you really do think he should see Lion King. And it would give you an opportunity, actually, to possibly get yourself back in the game...

CG: SHOCKINGLY, THAT LATTER OPTION SOUNDS MUCH MORE APPEALING.  
TG: if youre so scared of sobbing in front of me like a little baby we can watch it together remotely  
CG: YOU REALLY WANT ME TO SEE THIS, DON’T YOU?  
TG: i refuse to let someone live who willingly watched multiple dane cook movies but cant bring himself to watch the lion king  
CG: FINE, IF IT’S SOOOO IMPORTANT TO YOU.  
CG: BUT IT’S NOT FOR YOU, LET’S BE CLEAR.  
CG: I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO, SO I MAY AS WELL HUMOR YOU. AND FROM HOW ROSE WAS TALKING, DISNEY IS A BIG PART OF HUMAN CULTURE. AT LEAST FOR JUVENILES.  
CG: UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, I’M CULTURALLY OPEN-MINDED.  
TG: yeah whatever just watch the movie  
CG: I’M WAITING FOR YOU TO SEND ME THE FILE!!!


	10. Dave: Watch The Lion King with Karkat

CG: OK I HAVE IT QUEUED UP AND READY TO GO.  
TG: alright  
TG: on the count of 3  
TG: ready  
CG: “READY, SET, GO” ISN’T THE SAME AS COUNTING TO THREE!  
TG: no you idiot im asking if youre ready to countdown  
TG: in case you gotta go piss or grab popcorn or something  
TG: or grab a box of tissues because youre gonna end up bawling your eyes out over this  
CG: OH PLEASE.  
CG: I MAY BE SENTIMENTAL, BUT I’M NOT A WIGGLER. WHAT THE FUCK COULD MAKE ME CRY IN SOME MOVIE MADE FOR HUMAN LARVAE? ESPECIALLY WHEN IT STARS LIONS.  
TG: hey theyre antropomorphized lions  
TG: dont you have any cartoons about cute troll-like animals on alternia  
CG: NO.  
TG: w/e sounds like your movie directors were pretty uncreative  
CG: SPARE ME YOUR NARROW-MINDED DIGS AT MY CULTURE.  
CG: ARE YOU READY OR NOT?  
TG: 3  
TG: 2  
CG: I’LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.  
TG: 1  
TG: 0  
CG: HITTING PLAY.  
  
CG: WHAT’S WITH THE CASTLE?  
TG: its a standard disney thing  
TG: it started with cinderella which you would know if youd ever watched a disney movie before  
TG: or at least if youd watched cinderella  
TG: guess i know whats next on the list  
TG: though honestly mulan and hercules and little mermaid are all better so theyve gotta come first  
CG: I REFUSE TO PROMISE TO WATCH ANY MORE DISNEY MOVIES BEFORE EVEN GETTING PROPERLY INTO ONE.  
CG: FOR ALL I KNOW, THIS COULD BE PAINFULLY BAD AND YOU’RE JUST PRODDING ME INTO WATCHING IT TO SATISFY YOUR SCHADENFREUDE.  
CG: OR MAKE SOME POINT ABOUT “IRONY” AND “PURPOSEFULLY BAD FILMS.”  
TG: i cant inflict any worse movies on you than what dane cooks number one extraterrestrial fan has already inflicted on himself  
  
CG: UH, ARE YOUR SUBTITLES WORKING?  
CG: THIS ISN’T TRANSLATING. I DON’T THINK THIS IS ENGLISH...  
TG: yet another brilliant culturally aware observation from our favorite alien  
TG: it appears there are noises that are not from the language i have heard the earthlings speak  
TG: is is just nonsense because i cant comprehend it or could it be they dont have a single monolithic way of speaking  
CG: I’M AWARE THAT YOU HAVE OTHER LANGUAGES ON EARTH! I CREATED YOUR STUPID WORLD, REMEMBER?  
TG: actually wait shouldnt your universal translator be working  
CG: APPARENTLY IT ONLY WORKS FOR ENGLISH, SINCE THAT’S WHAT IT’S BEEN EXPOSED TO.  
TG: dude you created our planet how does your technology not know every word from every language  
CG: BECAUSE WHAT WAS ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY TO YOU WAS A MATTER OF HOURS TO US, AND WE HAD BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN UTILIZE OUR LIMITED TECHNOLOGY TO DECRYPT THE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF LANGUAGES DEVELOPING?  
TG: so you just went with english  
TG: racist  
CG: YOU WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO GOT A COPY OF SBURB!!!  
TG: yeah but you didnt see that until the end  
CG: “UNTIL THE END”? FOR A TIME PLAYER, YOUR THINKING IS PITIFULLY LINEAR.  
CG: BESIDES, WE MIGHT HAVE HAD MORE LANGUAGES STORED IN IT. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW; SOLLUX WAS THE ONE WHO FIGURED ALL THAT OUT.  
CG: AND HE’S NOT EXACTLY AROUND FOR ME TO ASK FOR CLARIFICATION.  
  
CG: ARE THOSE WATTLEBIRDS?  
CG: *TURKEYS?  
TG: yes youre witnessing the majestic flight of the native turkey  
CG: YOU’RE FUCKING WITH ME, AREN’T YOU?  
TG: why would i ever do that  
CG: OK NOW IT’S IN ENGLISH.  
  
CG: THIS ISN’T SET ON YOUR CONTINENT, IS IT?  
TG: what are you kidding  
TG: houston was crawling with giraffes  
TG: thats why bro insisted on a thirtieth floor apt  
TG: otherwise youve got giraffes coming in your windows watching you eat watching you poop  
TG: we paid top dollar to get away from those beady stalker eyes  
  
CG: AND I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE THOSE STRIPED HORSES ROAMING EVERYWHERE TOO?  
TG: nah theyve only got those in washington where john lives  
CG: I NEVER SAW ANY.  
TG: youd know wouldnt you  
CG: NO!  
CG: IT’S NOT THAT I WATCHED HIM THAT MUCH.  
CG: NO MORE SO THAN THE REST OF YOU. OR ONLY SLIGHTLY, BECAUSE THE REST OF YOU WERE PARTICULARLY DULL.  
TG: theres no way you can dig yourself out of that  
TG: do you seriously still have a gay crush on him after like two years  
CG: WHY DO ALL OF YOU HUMANS MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THE GENDER OF THE CRUSH? IS IT BECAUSE YOUR BRAINS ARE REALLY THAT SHOCKED BY A LACK OF “HETERONORMATIVITY”?  
TG: ill take that as a yes  
CG: SO WILL I.  
  
CG: THE LION SHOULD BE DEVOURING THAT MONKEY, NOT HUGGING HIM.  
CG: THIS SONG IS ABOUT THE “CIRCLE OF LIFE”, LIKE IT’S SOME SORT OF NATURAL ORDER.  
CG: AN OBVIOUSLY CARNIVOROUS BEING WOULD MAUL THAT SMALLER CREATURE, NOT BEFRIEND HIM.  
TG: no numbnuts theyre already friends  
CG: BECAUSE THEY’RE SHOVING SENTIENT PERSONALITIES INTO NON-SENTIENT SHELLS FOR THE PURPOSES OF CINEMA?  
TG: yeah  
CG: SO IT’S LIKE A DANGEROUS SUBJUGGALATOR GREETING HIS LOWBLOOD MOIRAIL.  
CG: AND THE SUBJUGGALATOR IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF SNAPPING AT ANY MOMENT AND RIPPING OUT HIS PUNY MOIRAIL’S THROAT, BUT CHOOSES NOT TO BECAUSE OF THEIR MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL BOND, AIDED BY THE CALMING PRESENCE OF HIS PALEMATE.  
TG: no because thats just fucking creepy and this is a nice lion hanging out with his baboon pal  
TG: they probably were in the same frat or some shit  
TG: one of them ended up being a hippie on some farm and one of them went to business school but theyre still old buds and theyve got uses for each other not to mention the magic of friendship never dies  
  
CG: THAT’S SUCH A TINY LION. DID IT JUST HATCH?  
TG: lions are mammals  
TG: believe it or not most mammals dont come out of eggs  
CG: WELL EXCUSE ME FOR NOT MAKING SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS BASED ON HUMAN REPRODUCTIVE NORMS.  
TG: so instead youre just making them off of troll reproductive norms  
  
CG: IS THAT JAM? WHY WAS THERE JAM INSIDE THAT FRUIT?  
CG: MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY ARE THEY PUTTING JAM ON THE TINY LION’S FOREHEAD?  
TG: actually it looks kinda like troll jizz  
CG: THAT’S DISGUSTING.  
TG: is that the color yours would be  
TG: nice shade of red going on  
CG: YOU SERIOUSLY SPEND TIME THINKING ABOUT WHAT MY JIZZ LOOKS LIKE?!  
TG: can you just chill out and enjoy the movie  
CG: WHY ARE WE WATCHING IT TOGETHER IF YOU DON’T WANT MY OPINION?  
TG: i get your opinion about everything all the time whether i want it or not  
CG: SO YOU’RE SOMEHOW SHOCKED WHEN YOU IMPLICITLY ASK FOR IT AND THEN YOU CONTINUE TO GET IT?  
CG: OR SHALL I CONTINUE TO WATCH THIS IN SILENCE, THUS DEFEATING THE POINT OF US LINING UP THIS MOVIE WATCHING OCCASION?  
TG: fine as long as i get to keep pointing out every time you say something dumb  
CG: MUCH LIKE HOW I ALLEGEDLY AM WITH MY OPINIONS, YOU GIVE ME THAT ALL THE TIME WHETHER I WANT IT OR NOT.  
  
CG: OK, SO THIS IS THE SON OF THE KING OF THE ROCK, AND THE MONKEY/HIPPIE HAS BEEN TASKED WITH PRESENTING HIM TO THE GENERAL POPULACE.  
TG: or you could stop asking questions and instead keep giving me your ridiculous play by plays of it  
CG: I THOUGHT THAT’S WHY WE WERE WATCHING IT TOGETHER?  
TG: no im just watching it with you to make sure you watch at least one piece of quality earth cinema before this rock lands in the new session  
CG: THE LION WIGGLER DOES NOT LOOK LIKE IT APPRECIATES ALL THESE PROCEEDINGS.  
TG: yeah well thats a baby for you theyre ungrateful little shits  
  
  
CG: I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO THIS MOVIE. UNLIKE A LOT OF HUMAN MOVIES, THE TITLE IS SENSIBLY STRAIGHTFORWARD. IT’S CALLED THE LION KING, AND IT’S ABOUT A KING WHO IS ALSO A LION.  
TG: most human movies have sensible names  
TG: youre just in withdrawal missing the five paragraph essay titles that defeat the purpose of even seeing the movie  
TG: look now were back to the action  
  
CG: THE BIRD’S OBNOXIOUS. I HOPE HE GETS EATEN.  
TG: really he kind of reminds me of you  
TG: all puffed up and acting like he knows shit and looking down on everyone else  
TG: but as soon as you actually confront him the blusters painfully obvious  
TG: all beak no bite  
CG: WOW, CONGRATULATIONS - YOU FOUND ONE TRAIT THAT I MIGHT SHARE WITH A CARTOON BIRD. WHAT A COMPELLING ARGUMENT YOU MAKE. BY THAT LOGIC, THIS NEW LION REMINDS ME OF YOU, BECAUSE HE’S SASSY AND PRETENDS TO GIVE NO SHITS.  
CG: OH WAIT, THAT’S *TWO* TRAITS, ONE MORE THAN YOU HAD FOR ME AND THE BIRD!  
TG: hahaha do you want me to point out more because im ready to go  
CG: NO.  
CG: GEEZ, NEPETA WOULD’VE LOVED THIS MOVIE.  
TG: the crazy cat girl? yeah she wouldve  
TG: shed cheer alongside you for the lion to eat zazu too wouldnt she  
CG: YEAH.  
  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIS ASS?  
TG: he has a rare ass wasting disease  
TG: its tragic dont get too attached or youll be bawling your eyes out later  
TG: his ass is rotting from the inside out  
TG: theres no cure  
  
CG: WHAT A LITTLE SHIT.  
TG: hey thats the future king of africa youre talking about  
TG: hes got a glorious expansionary plan for his empire  
TG: step one go to the shadowy place and claim it as his own what could possibly go wrong  
TG: spoiler alert a lot  
CG: YES, I FIGURED OUT THAT VERY SUBTLE FORESHADOWING WITHOUT YOUR HELP, THANKS.  
CG: MUFASA’S ALRIGHT. SIMBA SHOULD LISTEN TO HIS LUSUS.  
TG: parent  
CG: THAT’S WHAT I SAID.  
TG: meant  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!  
  
TG: look at that lion strut hes got style  
TG: simba pay attention take lessons  
TG: you wanna be king you gotta have flair  
CG: HE MAY WALK WITH STYLE, BUT WHAT HE’S SAYING MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE.  
CG: UNLESS THE ECOSYSTEM WORKS DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT ON YOUR PLANET, DEAD BODIES DON’T “BECOME THE GRASS.” DEAD BODIES DECAY AND ARE EVENTUALLY BROKEN DOWN INTO DIRT BY MICROORGANISMS, AND THEN GRASS - WHICH IS A DIFFERENT SPECIES ENTIRELY - GROWS IN THE DIRT.  
TG: thats so inefficient  
TG: on earth we just fall over and dormant grass seeds start blossoming out of our corpses soon as we hit the ground  
TG: all plant species on earth actually come from a different type of dead animal weve got way more sophisticated symbiosis that you could ever read of  
CG: PLEASE, JOHN COULD PULL THAT SHIT WITH ME, BUT THERE’S NO WAY I’M GULLIBLE ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT FROM YOU, ESPECIALLY AT THIS POINT.  
TG: ok you got me about most of it but our corpses actually do grow a type of grass  
CG: NO THEY DON’T.  
TG: humans only so not lions but maybe if theyre sentient cartoon lions just like regular lions cant talk but these can  
CG: THAT’S A LIE. I KNOW YOU’VE ALL BEEN TRYING TO MESS WITH ME LATELY, BUT THIS IS JUST PATHETIC.  
TG: seriously think about it  
TG: have you ever seen a dead human body  
TG: why do you think we make a point of wrapping them up and either burning them or burying them right away  
TG: its all kinds of nasty the grass starts growing from the corpses nose and ears first and then starts coming out from everywhere  
CG: I STILL THINK YOU’RE FUCKING WITH ME. THIS WOULD’VE BEEN MENTIONED IN ONE OF THE MOVIES I WATCHED, AT LEAST ONCE.  
TG: people also shit themselves when they die but you dont see that coming up in movies  
CG: … FUCK, YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT.  
  
TG: turn around and let me see that ass  
CG: NO.  
TG: dude thats not directed at you thats directed at the bird  
TG: from the lions perspective  
CG: YOUR VIEWING EXPERIENCE OF A KIDS’ MOVIE IS IMPROVED BY FOCUSING ON THE LION LEERING AT THE BIRD AND WANTING TO INSPECT ITS BUTT?  
TG: always  
TG: thats one of the first things bro always made a point of saying when we saw the movie   
TG: we didnt watch it enough to get a proper call and response going like rocky horror but there were a handful of lines that became habit for us to say every time  
CG: WHY’D YOU WATCH THIS STUPID MOVIE SO MUCH?  
TG: because it was the only nonprincess movie bro had bought for me when i was little and it finally sunk in that i didn’t want any of that girly shit  
TG: no offense to princess movies but they were never david elizabeth striders jam  
CG: IS ELIZABETH A GENDER NEUTRAL NAME? I’VE ONLY HEARD IT USED FOR GIRLS.  
TG: its a girls name  
CG: WAS THAT PART OF YOUR BROTHER’S “IRONY”? TO GIVE YOU THAT AS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?  
TG: nah it was my choice to keep it it used to be my first name  
TG: we got it legally changed to dave on my thirteenth birthday  
CG: OH. COOL.  
TG: what thats it  
CG: SORRY, IS THERE A CUSTOM THAT GOES ALONG WITH THIS?  
CG: I DIDN’T THINK GENDER CHANGES WERE COMMON AMONG HUMANS, SO I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR ETIQUETTE IS.  
TG: less of a change and more of an affirmation  
TG: wrong body for my brain etc  
CG: A DECENT NUMBER OF TROLLS CHANGE GENDER. OR AFFIRM THEIR GENDER? DEPENDING ON HOW YOU WANT TO INTERPRET IT.  
CG: THEIR LUSUS JUST KIND OF ASSIGNS THEM ONE OR THE OTHER, BASED ON HOW THE FRESHLY-PUPATED TROLL SMELLS.  
CG: THEY’RE RIGHT MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, BUT THEY’RE STILL WRONG A DECENT AMOUNT OF THE TIME.  
CG: IT’S NO BIG DEAL.  
TG: i guess that sounds kinda convenient  
  
CG: HE’S REALLY NAMED SCAR?  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DID THEY CALL HIM BEFORE HE WAS NAMED SCAR?  
CG: WHAT SORT OF AWFUL SOCIETY DO THEY LIVE IN WHERE A PHYSICAL DISFIGUREMENT GETS YOU RENAMED?  
CG: THEY WOULDN’T CALL ONE OF THEIR RELATIVES STUMP OR MILKY EYES, WOULD THEY?!  
TG: in a kids movie especially i wouldnt put it past them  
TG: look at all the non pc shit stereotypes that still makes it into movies  
  
CG: I DON’T KNOW IF I SIDE WITH THE GRUB LION OR WITH THE BIRD. THEY’RE BOTH ARROGANT SHITHEADS.  
TG: yeah but simbas a kid theyre supposed to be like that  
TG: zazus a grown bird hes got no excuse except for a chronic allergy to fun  
CG: ARE THEY GOING TO SING AGAIN?  
CG: UGH, THEY’RE SINGING AGAIN.  
CG: I’M MUTING THIS. I DID NOT AGREE TO A MUSICAL.  
TG: oh no you dont  
TG: unmute it right now  
CG: NO.  
TG: dont make me come over there  
TG: if i do i can guarantee you wont be happy with the added penalties of making me get my ass out of this marginally comfy chair  
TG: ill have to make this a mandatory singalong  
CG: HA HA.  
TG: dont think i wont do it  
TG: im lifting my ass from the chair  
CG: STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR ASS!  
TG: you dont wanna hear about my rounded plush rump huh whys that karkles  
CG: BECAUSE I DON’T *CARE* ABOUT YOUR ASS OR ITS DIMENSIONS OR ITS CONSISTENCY.  
CG: THE LAST THING I WANT IN MY THINK PAN IS INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR ASS.  
TG: you better drown that information out then with the sound of young lions singing then  
TG: because otherwise im gonna keep talking about my ass  
TG: not to mention bring it over there so i can talk to you about it in person  
TG: until you relent and then we have to rewind to hear this whole song over again  
TG: and sing along to it  
CG: HITTING UNMUTE NOW.  
  
CG: WELL THAT GOT DARK FAST. ONE MINUTE IT’S TOOTING TECHNICOLOR ELEPHANTS AND THE NEXT IT’S A GRAYSCALE ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD.  
TG: well yeah human cinema does that sometimes  
TG: youd know that if you watched something besides action movies and dane cook  
CG: WILL YOU LAY OFF ME ABOUT DANE COOK ALREADY?!  
CG: SOME OF YOUR JOKE MATERIAL’S STARTING TO GET REAL STALE. WHERE ARE THE FRESH STRIDER BURNS I’M SO OFTEN PROMISED?  
TG: theyre cooking they just need a little more time to get up to temperature  
TG: dont worry i have plenty of redhot irons in my fire ready to pull out at the right time to give you a third degree fuckin burn  
TG: your skins gonna flush and bubble with rage but there wont be a damn thing you can do about it except submerge yourself in ice  
TG: cooldown process is gonna hurt like a bitch but its the only way youll survive because you cant fight my sick fires with fires  
TG: cmon wheres your laughable attempt at a comeback  
CG: YOU’RE BEING EVEN STUPIDER THAN USUAL SO I’M IGNORING YOU.  
TG: riveted by the chase scene huh  
CG: NO! I’M JUST NOT GOING TO WASTE MY COMMENTARY ON SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T APPRECIATE IT.  
CG: WHAT I CAN APPRECIATE THOUGH IS THE IRONY OF YOU USING METAPHORS SO STALE I COULD BREAK MY TEETH ON THEM WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE HOT NEW INSULTS YOU ALLEGEDLY ARE PREPARING FOR ME.  
  
TG: stern fatherly disapproval  
CG: WELL-EARNED STERN DISAPPROVAL. I’M SURPRISED THE BIG LION FOUND HIM THOUGH.  
CG: WOULDN’T IT TEACH WIGGLERS A BETTER LESSON IF SIMBA AND HIS FRIEND GOT EATEN?  
TG: for a film buff you really know jackshit  
TG: you cant kill the protagonist twenty minutes into the film  
CG: I SUPPOSE IT’S TOO MUCH TO WISH THAT MUFASA IS ACTUALLY THE PROTAGONIST.  
TG: i thought scar was your favorite  
CG: MAYBE. MUFASA’S GROWING ON ME.  
CG: EITHER WAY THOUGH, SCAR ISN’T EXACTLY GETTING A GOOD-GUY SET-UP, OR EVEN AN ANTIHERO ROLE.  
  
CG: HUMAN FAMILIAL EMOTIONS ARE WEIRD.  
TG: your lusus thing wouldnt care if you died  
CG: NO IT WOULD, BUT IF I DIED BECAUSE I DID SOMETHING FUCKING STUPID, IT’D BE BETTER OFF FINDING A NEW GRUB TO RAISE.  
TG: you dont find this touching in your weird alien heart  
TG: not even a little  
CG: OK, MAYBE A LITTLE.  
  
CG: IF SCAR ISN’T MY FAVORITE CHARACTER, HE’S DEFINITELY THE ONE I RELATE TO THE MOST.  
TG: whiny arrogant short no one likes him yeah i see the resemblance  
CG: THAT’S COMPLETELY INACCURATE!  
TG: ok yeah hes only a little shorter than mufasa so definitely not as short as you  
  
CG: AND HERE I THOUGHT MOST HUMAN CINEMA WAS UNSUBTLE. COULD THIS SCREAM “VILLAIN” ANY LOUDER?!  
CG: HE’S EVEN GOT A HUNCHBACK.  
TG: karkat youre being ableist  
CG: I’M NOT BEING ABLEIST WHEN IT’S AN ESTABLISHED MEDIA STEREOTYPE! THEY’RE THE ONES BEING ABLEIST!  
CG: BESIDES, DOES IT COUNT AS ABLEISM WHEN IT’S A PHYSICAL DEFORMITY RATHER THAN, LIKE, BEING BLIND?  
TG: idk  
TG: being uglys basically a disability  
CG: OK I’M PRETTY SURE *THAT* IS ABLEIST.  
TG: cool so now were even  
CG: THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!  
  
CG: “A MARVELOUS SURPRISE”?  
CG: YES, TRUST THE OLDER LION WHO ALREADY GOT YOU IN TROUBLE ONCE, SIMBA. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?  
TG: it wasnt scars fault simba went to the elephant graveyard  
TG: scar just gave him the fork simbas the one who shoved it in the socket and electrocuted himself  
CG: THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH FORKS.  
TG: and explorings not what your supposed to do with dead zones full of skeletons but kids are dumb  
TG: plus its his uncle of course simba still trusts him  
CG: WHAT’S THAT AGAIN? HIS DAD’S… BROTHER?  
CG: HOW FAR OUT DO YOU ALL PAY ATTENTION TO THIS FAMILY SHIT?  
  
CG: YEAH WE GET IT, YOU’RE GOING TO TRY TO KILL SIMBA.  
CG: WILL YOU HURRY UP WITH IT ALREADY?  
TG: wow you really dont like him do  
CG: MAYBE IF HE DIES, WE’LL GET MORE OF MUFASA AND SCAR, WHO ARE ACTUALLY INTERESTING.  
  
CG: AND WHY AREN’T YOU RESCUING SIMBA? SCAR’S PLAN IS SO TRANSPARENT.  
TG: because he got the shallow end of the gene pool when it came to brute strength   
TG: and the deep end when it came to manipulating your relatives into rushing off into certain death on the pretext of thats the only way to save their kids  
CG: SIMBA’S PROBABLY ALREADY DEAD.  
  
CG: WELL, SCAR’S PLAN FAILED. NICE TRY.  
TG: you sure about that  
CG: YEAH THE SMALL LION IS A LITTLE BEAT UP BUT STILL ALIVE.  
CG: AND MUFASA’S GOING TO BE FINE.  
CG: SCAR SHOULD’VE JUST LEFT SIMBA THERE, STARTED THE STAMPEDE, AND THEN FOUND A DIFFERENT WAY TO KILL MUFASA.  
CG: THERE’S NO WAY THAT SOME STUPID HOOFBEASTS COULD KILL MUFASA.  
  
TG: you sure about that  
TG: mufasas not looking too good right now  
  
CG: … WHAT?  
CG: IS THIS ANOTHER PSYCH OUT?  
CG: HE JUMPED BACK OUT LAST TIME IT LOOKED LIKE HE’D FALLEN AND DISAPPEARED IN THE HERD, JUST A MINUTE AGO.  
  
CG: DID HE SERIOUSLY  
CG: JUST FUCKING  
CG: DIE?!?  
CG: NO.  
CG: THIS IS BULLSHIT.  
  
CG: I’M NOT CRYING!!!  
TG: i didnt ask if you were so whyd you bring it up  
TG: i bet its cause youre leaking big blubbery red tears at this  
CG: FINE!  
CG: BUT I’M ONLY CRYING BECAUSE IT’S SO HORRIBLY, UH  
CG: SO HORRIBLY UNREALISTIC THAT IT PAINS ME!  
CG: WILDEBEASTS SHOULDN’T HAVE KILLED HIM!  
CG: *COULDN’T HAVE  
CG: THIS IS JUST  
CG: AWFUL  
TG: whats awful mufasas death  
CG: FUCK  
CG: YES, IT IS! ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY?!  
TG: hahahaha  
CG: WHAT THE HELL?! WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY?!  
TG: sorry  
TG: ok i lied im not sorry  
TG: youre emotionally crushed over the death of a cartoon lion  
CG: OH AND I SUPPOSE YOU WEREN’T UPSET WHEN HE DIED!  
TG: i was the first time i saw it  
TG: when i was like seven  
CG: I’M ONLY EIGHT, YOU ASSHOLE!  
TG: seven in human years so like what three and a half  
CG: I’M SO SORRY MY EMOTIONS DIDN’T ATROPHY AND DIE NOT LONG AFTER I WAS STILL EATING CRAYONS AND LEARNING MATH, THANKS VERY MUCH!!!  
CG: FUCK. I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THIS.  
CG: I’M GOING TO FIND GAMZEE.  
TG: why the fuck are you going to find gamzee  
CG: BECAUSE HE’S MY MOIRAIL, YOU TAINTSCUM!  
CG: WHICH MEANS HE’S SUPPOSED TO CALM ME THE FUCK DOWN, WHICH IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THIS MOVIE HAS DONE!  
CG: AND YOU AREN’T EXACTLY HELPING.  
CG: SO GOOD-FUCKING-BYE.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has logged off

You push your chair back from your computer slightly, heart pounding. Your mind’s awash with a strange combination of emotions: anxiety at hearing about Gamzee, a little pang from thinking about Gamzee and hence Terezi, exhilaration at getting Karkat riled up. But what stands above the rest is an undeniable, smug sense of triumph.

You grab the piece of paper beside your laptop that you had neglected for the past few days. Your unmarked bingo card looks like a blushing virgin way past its prime, when all the other girls have gone out and gotten their cherries popped, and she’s still yet to score.

You’re not waiting any longer. You grab the first thing you find on your desk - a red felt tip pen - and cross out the bottom left corner square with a satisfaction way deeper than any prom-night fucking. It wasn’t the primary motivation for having Karkat watch the movie, when you started, but now that it’s over, you can tell yourself this was all a clever ploy solely to get Karkat to lose his shit over Mufasa’s Death Scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, Karkat Tantrum Bingo is back up and running. I was daunted by this chapter, but it didn't end up being quite as challenging as I expected. Next one won't take nearly this long; I promise.
> 
> Speaking of this chapter's format, I got the idea for "Homestuck characters watch something with pesterlogs and screencaps" idea from [embarrassingfanfiction](http://archiveofourown.org/users/embarrassingfanfiction). Her work has also influenced how I write Dave and Rose, as well as my desire to write something that is hilarious yet emotionally horrible.


End file.
